The wife asked which I love most, her or football? So I said, "Open your legs and I will show you." Then I nutmegged her....
Today the BBC has obviously had to cancel the "Brexit Day Special" scheduled for 11pm tonight. So they have replaced it with a repeat of an old "Would I Lie To You" episode.
My mate is headed to Rio de Janeiro for Easter to see if he can find Jesus. He's heard he's really big over there...
Wish me luck in this year's London Marathon. I managed 3 hours, 12 minutes and 9 seconds last year. This year I will try to beat that, .......... but I usually get bored and turn over to watch something else.
My mate says doing the dishes is a lot like having sex: His wife would rather use something mechanical that does the job better, but most of the time leaves him to do it alone.
My mate reckons he once made love to a Princess. Although he did burn his bollocks on the exhaust pipe...
I'm looking forward to Phil & Kirstie's Houseboat special on tv tonight: Flotation, Flotation, Flotation..
An old physician, Doctor Gordon Geezer , became very bored in retirement and decided to re-open a medical clinic.He put a sign up outside that said: " Dr. Geezer's Clinic . Get your treatment for $500 - if not cured, get back $1,000." Doctor Digger Young , who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000. So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic. Dr Young : " Dr. Geezer , I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?" Dr Geezer : "Nurse, please bring medicine from the box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth." Dr Young : 'Aaagh! -- This is Gasoline!" Dr Geezer : " Congratulations ! You've got your taste back. That will be $500." Dr Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money. Dr Young : "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything." Dr Geezer : "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth." Dr Young : "Oh, no you don't -- that is Gasoline!" Dr Geezer : " Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500." Dr Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days. Dr Young : "My eyesight has become weak --- I can hardly see anything!" Dr Geezer : "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so, "Here's your $1000 back" (giving him a $10 bill). Dr Young : "But this is only $10!" Dr Geezer : " Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500." * Moral of story * -- Just because you're "young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an "old Geezer”
Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. *St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer is down so you will have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as priests. What'll it be?" The first priest asked, "I've always wanted to be an an eagle, soaring above the Cumbrian Mountains ." “So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest. The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will any of this week 'count' St. Peter?" " No I told you the computer is down, there's no way we can keep track of what you are doing.” " In that case" says the second priest, “I've always wanted to be a Stud." "So be it" says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears. A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests. "Will you have any trouble locating them?” He asks. "The first one should be easy," says St. Peter, "He's somewhere over Lake Windermere, flying with the eagles, but the second one could prove to be more difficult. “Why?” asks the Lord. “He’s on a snow tyre, somewhere in Aberdeen"
In a book shop yesterday, I asked the female assistant where the anal sex section was. She said, "Around the back, love."
Me and my mate Dave went camping with a bunch of friends for a lad's weekend. One night Dave decided he needed to pee before bed so he crawled out of our tent to go in the bushes close by. Two minutes later he crawled back in to the tent all wet. I turned to Dave and said "Is it raining outside?". "No" said Dave "It's windy!"
One of my colleagues recently married his same sex partner. On return from their honeymoon he announced: For those who are unsure about gay marriage, just know it's like normal marriage but with blow jobs, hand jobs, lots of anal and far fewer arguments about who the hell left the toilet seat up..
A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them. "Hey, show us yer tits, ya bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks. Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross Sister." Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Piss off, ya fookin' little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer fuckin balls off!" Sister Mary Immaculata then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior, quite innocently, and asks, "Did that sound cross enough?
The only time I have the opportunity to read my book about The Velvet Underground is when I'm in the bathroom sat on the bog: I call it my Loo Read.
