Last night the barman in our local looked over & said, "Your glass is empty, would you like another?" So I replied, "Why would I want two empty fecking glasses?"
One day, a shy gentleman was preparing to board a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight. "This is exciting," thought the gentleman. "I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person." Suddenly, the man realized his seat was right next to the Pope himself. Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to the Pope. Shortly after take-off, the Pope took a crossword puzzle out of his bag and began working on it. "This is fantastic", thought the gentleman. "I'm really good at crosswords. Perhaps if the Pope gets stuck, he'll ask me for assistance." Almost immediately, the Pope turned to the man and said, "Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in 'unt'? The man was in shock. He could only think of one word that fit the description and he was not about to say it to the Pope. The gentleman thought for a while longer, then it hit him. Turning to the pope, the gentleman said, "I think you're looking for the word 'aunt'." "Of course," said the Pope. "Do you have an eraser?"
Police are investigating a raid at Tiffany's in London. The suspects were last seen 'running just as fast as they can, holding on to one another's hand...'
A man walks into a church confessional and says to the priest,"Bless me father for i have sinned. I was with seven women last night" The priest is silent for a moment,then says "Go home and cut seven lemons in half, squeeze the juice into a glass and drink it down in one gulp. "And I`ll be forgiven?" asks the man. "No." replies the priest ,"But it will wipe that smirk off your face."
The new blonde in the office came back from the shops with some new shoes. She said the shop assistant told her they might feel rather tight for 2 weeks, so she decided to wait to wear them unti she'd had them for 3 weeks.
The wife said, "When I drink coffee I can't sleep." I replied, "Really? I have the exact opposite." She said, "Wow, seriously?" I replied, "Yes, when I sleep I can't drink coffee." The bruises should be gone in a few days..
After having their 11th child, an Irish couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have anymore children. The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go home, get a large firecracker, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The husband said to the doctor, "B'Jayzus, I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me with my problem." "Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor. So the man went home, lit a cracker and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.
My mate used to be a stool sample examiner in a Pathology laboratory, but his heart wasn’t in the job: He was just going through the motions..
Did you know that when Lord Nelson died he was 5 foot tall. His statue in London is 15 foot tall. That’s Horatio of 3:1
PLEASE BE CAREFUL! ! I don’t know if this is a scam or not? I’ve just received a phone call saying I’ve won £250 or 2 tickets for an Elvis Presley tribute show, then it said just press 1 for the money, 2 for the show!
Be careful if you're at the Asda in Glasgow, two gorgeous Romanian women with Daisy Duke shorts and crop tops wash your windscreen and rub themselves all over your car and then when you're distracted steal your wallet and any jewelry. I've had mine taken last Thursday, Friday and Sunday and hopefully tomorrow too....
When I was younger, people told me that by drinking five glasses of milk I would grow up stronger and be able to move walls. Well now I'm older, I can drink ten pints of beer and the walls move by themselves.
I know an Irish entertainer who eats light bulbs and razor blades on stage. When asked what broken glass & razor blades taste like, he said: “They taste just like blood.”
One evening, a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seems okay but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again, she seems okay but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning. Later, the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they ask. "It’s pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won’t let you fart"
One of my next-door neighbours is a 90-year-old man suffering from Alzheimer’s. Every single morning at 9 a.m. he knocks on my door and he asks me if I have seen his wife. Which means that every single morning at 9 a.m. I have to explain to a 90-year-old man suffering from Alzheimer’s that his wife has been dead for quite some time. Now, I’ve thought about moving. I’ve thought about not answering my door in the morning. But to be honest, it’s worth it just to see the smile on his face.
