A Scottish couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. During her first couple of days, she asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath, although if she wanted to, she could use a tin bath in front of the fire. "Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said. The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday. After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any hair 'there'. She mentioned this to her husband when he came home. He didn't believe her, so she said: "Next Monday, when you go to darts, leave a little early and wait in the back garden. I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself." So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked: "Do you shave down below?" "No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hair down there. Do you have hair there ?" "Oh, yes," said the woman. The girl finished her bath and went to bed. Later that night, when the husband came in, the wife asked him, "Did you see it?" "Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours ???" "Why ever are you worried about that?" she said. "You've seen it often enough before." "I know," he said.... "but the fuckin' darts team haven't ...."
Extracts from letters written by council tenants: 1. It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow. 2. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off. 3.. I wish to complain that my father twisted his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage. 4. Their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence. 5. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off. 6.. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand? 7. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall. 8. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant. 9. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.. 10. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are just plain filthy. 11. The next door neighbour has got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore. 12. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared. 13. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink. 14. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now is in three pieces. 15. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me. 16. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous. 17. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it. 18. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night. 19. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife... 20. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction. 21. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2. 22. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it. (Yes, that's very serious I think !.
A husband and wife are lying in bed after a long day. Both are reading their books and paying no mind to each other. Then the husband gets an idea and asks “Hey Honey, I bet you can’t tell me something that would make me both happy and sad at the same time.” His wife gives it some thought and replies : “You have the biggest penis out of all of your friends.”
I've just met a Chinese drug addict. "Have you seen my cocaine?" He asked... I said "Not since he starred in Zulu".
I plugged in my Les Paul, turned it up full and leaned it against my Marshall amp. I then held my phone beside it for a minute. British Gas say they will never ask me for feedback again..
Three friends climbed into the car and headed to the redneck area on a deer hunting trip. After several hours of driving, one of the fellas had to take a leak, "pull over" he said, "and let me piss on that tree" As luck would have it, while pissing, a large herd of deer ran across the road and jumped over the fence onto a farmers' land. The fella ran back to the car and grabbed his rifle, but the driver warned, "I don't think we better go on that farmers' land without permission" "but they'll get away" said the first guy "Bob's right", said the 3rd guy, "we'll just have to track em down" So they pulled up to the farmhouse, the 1st guy got out and went and knocked on the door. When the farmer answered he asked, "My friends and I saw some deer running through your fields, and we didn't want to go hunting on your property without your permission, would you mind if we did a little hunting on your land?" "Sure you can young fella", said the old man, "but I wonder if I can get you to do me a favor? My mule over there is 15 years old and is suffering from Arthritis and is in a lot of pain. She's been with me so long that I just don't have the heart to put her down! Would you do it for me?" "Sure I would" said the guy, and with that, heads back towards the car, but on the way he decides to play a little joke on his buddies. "Bad news fellas", he said "The guy says that we can't hunt on his property and for us to get the fuck off his land" As the car pulled off, he rolled down the window, stuck the barrel of his rifle out the window, and bam, he shot the mule in the head and said, "Take that you miserable old fucker!" Then another shot rang out! What the fuck are you doing?" he shouts at his mate in the back. The 3rd guy says " I shot the fucker's cow too - that'll teach the twat!"...........
They say the Royal Family hold no sway in modern democracy. Yet one who is only 4 days old has already got Danny Baker the sack..
My mate Dave and his wife were struggling to make ends meet financially so after a lot of thought they eventually decided that the easiest way to make a bit of extra money was if she went "on the game". Anyway being a bit naive and not worldly wise she wasn't quite sure what to do, so Dave said to her 'Go and stand outside that pub and pick up any guy that looks like he might be interested in doing business. When he asks 'how much?' tell him it's a £100. If you’ve got any questions, I’ll be parked around the corner." After about five minutes a guy sidled up to Dave's wife and said "How much for business?". "£100" replied Dave's wife. "Bugger, all I’ve got is £30" explained the guy. "Hold on" she says and runs round the corner to Dave who was sat in his car. "What can he get for £30?" she asks Dave. "For £30 you can give him a hand job" Dave replies. She runs back to the guy and tells him that all he gets for £30 is a hand job. "Okay" he says "get in the car" As she gets in his car, he unzipped his trousers, and out popped his penis..........and it was HUGE!. Dave's wife stared at it for a minute, and then said to the guy "Hang on, I’ll be right back." She then ran back around the corner to Dave and said breathlessly, "Dave, can you lend this guy £70 please?"
Perils of bad Grammar** The following four classified ads appeared in a Gujarati newspaper for four consecutive days- The last three were attempts to correct the first day's mistake. MONDAY: *For sale - SK Shah has a sewing machine for sale. Phone 92555-00707 after 7PM and ask for Mrs. Mani who lives with him cheap.* TUESDAY: *Notice: We regret having erred in SK Shah's ad yesterday. It should have read - 'One sewing machine for sale cheap. Phone 2555-0707 and ask for Mrs. Mani, who lives with him after 7PM.'* WEDNESDAY: *Notice: SK Shah has informed us that he has received several annoying telephone calls because of the error we made in the Classified ad yesterday. The ad stands correct as follows: 'For sale - SK Shah has a sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 92555-00707 after 7PM and ask for Mrs. Mani who loves with him.'* THURSDAY: *Notice: I, SK Shah, have no sewing machine for sale. I smashed it. Don't call 92555-00707 as I have had the phone disconnected. I have not been carrying on with Mrs. Mani. Until yesterday, she was my housekeeper but today she quit.*
Ireland hasn’t yet grasped the concept of electric cars: Their garages have electricity priced up at £1.30 per litre..
I was mugged last night on my way from the pub. Pointing a knife at me he said “Your money or your life” I said to him “I’m married. I have no money and no life” We hugged and cried together. It was a beautiful moment.
An elderly blind man said to his wife, "Are you wearing flip flops?" "No." She replied. "I'm not wearing my bra."
