An elderly blind man said to his wife, "Are you wearing flip flops?" "No." She replied. "I'm not wearing my bra."
I did a sponsored walk once…....................in the end, I’d managed to raise so much money that I could afford a taxi.
Avoid getting an erection during rectal examinations by waiting outside while the vet examines your dog.
Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk'. The question was worth 70 points or none at all. One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages. However, he wrote: 1) It is perfect formula for the child. 2) It provides immunity against several diseases. 3) It is always the right temperature. 4) It is inexpensive. 5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa. 6) It is always available as needed. And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote: 7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it. He got an A+.
A friend of mine has two tickets for the 2019 Champions League final. They are box seats plus airfares and hotel accommodations. He didn't realize when he bought them that this is the same day as his wedding - so he can't go. If you're interested and want to go instead of him, it's at St. Pauls Church in West Derby Liverpool at 5 PM. Her name is Emma. She will be the one in the white dress..
Bloody hell that was a scary afternoon. Just back from hospital to have a mole removed from the end of my knob! Don't worry...I'll be fine so they advise. However, I'm no longer allowed to keep pets and the Police let me off with a caution
I went for an operation last week, the anesthetist said he could sedate me with gas, or with a whack from a paddle. It was an ether/oar decision.
My mate said he uses the ‘Liverpool position’ when having sex: He stays on top for ages, and then comes 2nd..
I mixed up my toothpaste with my hemorrhoids cream. I ended up with shrunken gums and a ring of confidence.
Q. Why can’t you get a cup of tea at Old Trafford? A. Because all the mugs are on the field, and all the cups are at the Etihad Stadium.
My mate left 2 Notts County season tickets on the dashboard of his car yesterday. Someone smashed the side window and left 2 more....
An old, blind Royal Engineer wanders into a Para's bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a Para joke?' The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the Para next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke,Sapper, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things: 1. The bartender is a Para with a baseball bat. 2. The bouncer is a Para 3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 210-pound Para with a black belt in karate. 4. The Para sitting next to me is a professional weight lifter. 5. The Para to your right is a professional boxer. 'Now, think about it seriously Sapper. Do you still wanna tell that fucking Para joke?' The blind Royal Engineer thinks for a second, shakes his head, necks his JD and shouts, 'No, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five fucking times!!
Apparently 85% of all Harley Davidsons are still on the road The other 15% must of made it home...................
Q. How can you tell when a bad singer is at the door? A. He can't find the key, and when he has it he doesn't know when to come in..
Last night a bloke in the pub sold me a baby Stegosaurus for £500. I must have been pissed, 'cos when I woke up this morning it turned out to be a cat with a Toblerone glued to its back.
