I've put massive billboards up on the side of my house one says "Henry the VIII was a Fat protestant Bigamist" and the other says "Elizabeth the 1st was an ugly ginger virgin" . Well the wife said she always wanted to live in a Mock tudor house ....
The wife tried cooking corned beef fritters for dinner last night. But she ended up making a hash of it..
The wife and I were out for our anniversary dinner. The waiter came up and asked me, "Sir, how did you find the pork belly?" I replied, “We met 35 years ago in some pub."
A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two young people show up. One is a good looking lad in his mid-twenties and the other is a gorgeous blonde about the same age. The circus owner tells them: "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you guys better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment: chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?" The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About half way there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her ankles. He continues to lick her calves, kisses them and rests his head at her feet. The circus owner's mouth is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life," He then turns to the young man and asks, "can you top that?" The young man replies. "No problem, just get that lion out of the way."
Have you noticed how many F1 drivers have names linked to Scottish towns? Stirling Moss. Lewis Hamilton. Eddie Irvine. Ayr Town centre...
My mate said you can’t pee when you have an erection, but you can empty your bowels. As he found out when his girlfriend’s husband burst in on them, holding a shotgun..
Bill and Bob are quietly sitting in a boat fishing, chewing tobacco and drinking beer when suddenly Bill says, "Think I'm gonna divorce the wife... she hasn’t spoken to me in over 2 months." Bob farts, takes a long sip of beer and says, "Better think it over... women like that are hard to find."
Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, 'We only have one rule here in heaven:don't step on the ducks!' So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she had ever seen. St. Peter chains them together and says, 'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man' The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman. The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St.Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on .... very tall, long eyelashes, slim and muscular. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The happy woman says to the guy, 'I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?' The guy says, 'I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck."
My mate said his wife was in court last week. She walked over and started giving the defence counsel a lap dance. She ended up being charged for sliding down a barrister..
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHER PEOPLE YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD? WELL...YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE! MY NAME IS ALICE SMITH AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DENTAL DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME. SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY SECONDARY SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO. COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN? UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT. THIS BALDING, GREY HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS FAR TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE. AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK SECONDARY SCHOOL .. 'YES, YES I DID. I'M A MORGANNER!' HE BEAMED WITH PRIDE. 'WHEN DID YOU LEAVE TO GO TO COLLEGE?' I ASKED HE ANSWERED, “IN 1965. WHY DO YOU ASK?” 'YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!' I EXCLAIMED. HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY. THEN THAT UGLY, OLD, BALD, WRINKLED, FAT ARSED, GREY HAIRED, DECREPIT, BASTARD ASKED.... “WHAT DID YOU TEACH?"
