My chronically obese parrot has been ill for weeks. It died yesterday. I'm sad, but glad to get that weight off my shoulders.
I lent my mate £10,000 so he could have cosmetic surgery. Now I don't know what he looks like & I can't get my fecking money back...
Does anyone know if its possible to take a skin graft from your buttocks and put it on somebody who isn't family? Arse skin for a friend.
Boris Johnson has been caught with his dick in a chick pea curry. A member of his campaign team said, "That's Boris for you - anything with a pulse!"
The Highways Agency found over 200 dead crows on the M4 near Bridgend recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the ...bird's beaks and claws. By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with lorrys, while only 2% were killed by cars. The Agency then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Lorry".
A man went into his local chemist shop, he held up his index finger and thumb pinched together & asked the guy behind the counter, "Do you have any condoms of this size?" The guy behind the counter said, "That would only fit a mouse." The man replied, "Yes I know. The house is overrun with the little feckers."
English language exam: Give one example of an oxymoron? Me (producing packet of condoms): Ribbed, for her pleasure.
My mate Dave was seeing an attractive married woman down the road from where he lived. Anyway last Friday afternoon when he was “seeing her”, her husband came home early from work. In a panic she whispered “Bloody hell Dave, my husband’s home early, use the back door” Dave said that on reflection he should have just left, but it wasn’t every day you get an offer like that.
