I met a drunk ventriloquist who said she wanted to sleep with me: I didn’t know if it was her or the beer talking.
Reports have emerged of a worker who drowned in a vat of fabric conditioner at the Unilever factory. A company spokesman was quoted as saying, "At least he died in Comfort."
The John McCririck Funeral service will be from the house at 10/1. Followed by burial at his local graveyard at 5/2. Refreshments at the local working men’s club at 5/4.
My mate Dave’s wife, Julie, hadn’t been feeling well for a few days so she went to see her doctor. The doctor did a few tests on her and said “Well Julie.........it looks like you’re pregnant” “What?!?” said Julie “I’m pregnant?!?” “No” said the doctor “I said it looks like you’re pregnant”
Got home to find my wife had left a note on the fridge that said, "This isn't working I'm going to my mum's." I opened up the fridge. The light was on and the beer was cold. I'm not sure what she was talking about...??
My mate Dave was home last night watching TV and eating his favourite snack, peanuts. Whilst watching TV he started flicking them in the air and then catching them in his mouth. In the middle of catching a peanut, his wife, Julie, asked him a question. As he turned to answer her, the peanut fell into his ear. Frantically Dave tried and tried to dig the peanut out, but only succeeded in pushing it in deeper into his ear. Both Dave and Julie then tried to dislodge the peanut from his ear but after a couple of futile hours they eventually decided to go to the hospital. As they were getting ready to go out their teenage daughter, Chardonnay, came home with her new boyfriend, Wayne. Dave told his daughter what had happened, and Wayne, desperate to impress his new girlfriends parents, said he knew how he get the peanut out. Wayne then asked Dave to sit down. He then shoved two fingers up Dave's nose and told him to blow hard. When Dave blew, the peanut miraculously flew out. Julie and Chardonnay were amazed and jumped and cried for joy. Wayne insisted that it was nothing and so he and Chardonnay went in to the kitchen for something to eat. Once he'd gone out of the room, Julie turned to Dave and said "Wow that was fantastic. He’s so clever! I wonder what he’s gonna be when he grows up?" "From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law.” said Dave
I came out of Asda this morning and there was a woman crying her eyes out. She'd lost all her holiday money. I felt so sorry for her I gave her £50. I don't usually do that kind of thing, but I'd just found £2000 in the carpark.
An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his help in reviving her husband’s libido. ‘What about trying Viagra?’, asked the doctor. “Not a chance,” she said. “He won’t even take an aspirin.” “Not a problem,” replied the doctor. “Give him an ‘Irish Viagra. It’s when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won’t even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went.” It wasn’t a week later that she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to progress. The poor dear exclaimed, “Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T’was horrid! Just terrible, doctor” “Really? What happened?” asked the doctor. “Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee, and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye, and with his pants a-bulging fiercely. With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters, and took me then and there, passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare.” “Why so terrible?” asked the doctor. “Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn’t good?” “Twas the best sex I’ve had in 25 years - but sure as I’m sittin’ here, I’ll never be able to show me face in McDonald's again"
My wife and I were having a meal at one of our local restaurants when an African lady called Betty came into the restaurant and asked the maître d "Is there any chicken on the menu?" He replied "No black Betty, it's ham or lamb."
When I was young & single, elderly relatives used to poke me at family weddings & say, "You're next." So I started doing it to them at family funerals...
Dave’s grandad was walking through an antique store when he saw an old brass lamp for sale. Just for a bit of a laugh he picked it up and gave it a rub in a dramatic fashion just like they do in the movies. All of a sudden a genie burst out of it almost giving him a heart attack. The genie told Dave’s grandad that since he freed him he was willing to give him a single wish. Dave’s grandad thought for a while then asked the genie to give him his sex drive back, being 85 years old he hadn't made love to his wife in years. The genie granted the wish but said to him that there was a catch. “When you’re ready all you have to do is say 1,2,3 and you will be ready to make love straight away and will stay hard forever. When you've had enough just say 1,2,3,4 and it will go away. But this only works once and never again.” said the genie. Dave’s grandad was ecstatic and in anticipation raced home as best he could to make love with his wife for the first time in years. That night he got into bed with her and for the first time in years he amazed his wife and started with kissing her gently and increasing the excitement and experience with some foreplay. After about 20 minutes Dave’s grandad sensed his wife was ready for the ‘main event’ and said “1,2,3” Straight away he got the biggest hard on he’s ever had in his life and was thrilled. As he turned around to his wife to make love to her she said “What's 1,2,3 for?”
A guy went to the doctors complaining that although he wanted desperately to shit nothing was coming out. After examination the doctor got a small chisel and hit the mans arse a huge blow. Immediately shit poured out of the man into a convenient bowl, much to the mans relief. The guy asked the doctor what his problem was? The doctor enquired if the man worked on a building site? The guy said that he did, and the doctor said "Stop wiping your arse on cement bags "
A man and his wife were married for many years and often argued. Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!" Neighbours feared him and the old man liked the fact that he was feared. Then one evening, at the grand age of 98, he died. At the wake after the burial, her neighbours, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?" The wife said, "Let him dig ........... I had him buried upside down... and I know he won't ask for directions."
