The wife said she wanted some Jimmy Choos for her birthday: None of the shops near us had any, so I got her some Fruitellas..
Dave and his wife, Julie were laid in bed one evening, when Julie felt Dave begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck and then began moving down past the small of her neck. He then caressed her shoulders and neck slowly worked his hands down over her breasts stopping just over her lower stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the upper most portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and started to watch TV. As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, "That was wonderful Dave, why did you stop?" "I found the TV remote control" said Dave.
My mate's business making hanging baskets has gone bust: Although he sold beautiful baskets decorated with pansies, lobelias and marigolds; sadly there was no fuchsia in them..
Dave’s wife, Julie, loves to garden, but whilst everything she plants and nurtures blossoms she can't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red, no matter what she tries. So one day whilst chatting over the garden fence she asks her neighbour for some of her gardening tips "So Ethel” said Julie “What do you do to get your tomatoes red?" Ethel replied "Well twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden, pull up my dress, pull down my knickers and expose myself. And hey presto my tomatoes turn red from blushing so much. You should give it a go too Julie" So later that day Julie decides to try the same thing. So every day does as Ethel said and exposes herself to the garden. After a couple of weeks Ethel asked "How did it go? Did your tomatoes turn red?" "No," replied Julie "but my cucumbers are enormous."
On hearing that his elderly grandfather had just passed away, my mate Dave went straight to his grandparents' house to visit his 95-year-old grandma to comfort her. Whilst comforting his grandma Dave asked how his grandfather had passed away. Dave's grandma replied "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning" Horrified, Dave said "Surely two people nearly 100 years old having sex would be asking for trouble, grandma?" "Oh no, my dear" said his gran "Many years ago, realising our advancing years, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring on a Sunday morning.....It was just the right rhythm. It was nice, slow, and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the 'ding' and out on the 'dong'." Dave's grandma then paused, wiped away a tear and continued "And if that damned ice cream van hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"
The old man placed an order for one hamburger , French fries and a drink. He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half , placing one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the French fries , dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink , his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger , the people around them were looking over and whispering. Obviously they were thinking , 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.' As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said , they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything.. People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. Again , the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No , thank you , we are used to sharing everything.' Finally , as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin , the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?' "The teeth" she answered
The wife asked how I thought we should celebrate our wedding anniversary later this month. I suggested, "How about a minute's silence?" I don't remember much after that, until I came round in A&E.
While on holiday in Spain with his wife last week my mate Dave started to feel funny. Earlier that evening Dave had felt some pain in his chest and felt short of breath. He chalked it up to the long day they had just had, but unfortunately he continued to feel worse. As they got out of the taxi and walked into the hotel Dave collapsed. It became apparent to his wife, Julie, that Dave was having a heart attack. Dave thought for sure he would die because the nearest hospital was at least half an hour away. Suddenly from the back room came a woman wielding defibrillators. She shouted to the other staff to help and they ripped off Dave’s shirt and restarted his heart right there in the hotel. The ambulance arrived 20 minutes later, but thanks to this amazing woman Dave’s life had been saved. Dave spent the night in the hospital but was allowed out around noon the next day whereon he went back to the hotel immediately to thank this mystery woman. Dave said to her “Thank you so much......but I’m amazed that a hotel this small has a full time doctor as skilled as yourself!” “Well” she replied, “No one expects the Spanish Inn physician.”
A secretary walked into her boss's office and said, "I'm afraid I've got some bad news for you." "Why do you always have to give me bad news?" He complained. "Tell me some good news for once." She replied, "Alright, here's some good news. You're not sterile."
The Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear. 'Goodness, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivvies?', Ole demanded. 'Well' she said, 'you don't give me enough money to afford any.' The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear..' Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies. 'Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers Why not?' She replies, 'I can't afford any on the money you give me.' Patrick reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a 20. Go and buy yourself some underwear"! Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it. 'Och nooo - Aggie! Where ta friggin hell are yer drawers?' She too explains, 'You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any.' The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, 'Well, fer the love 'o decency, here's a comb... Tidy yerself up a bit.'
I have to be honest, as a married man I have no idea who Alan Turing is. I also have no idea what a fifty pound note is either....
Diane Abbott has just congratulated the England cricket team on winning the British Grand Prix in five sets
An actor at the local theatre fell through the floor boards. Apparently it was just a stage he was going through..
My mate Dave, who is quite sporty, recently joined his local football team. As part of his 'induction', and before the new season started, his new club captain said to him, "At your first team dinner this Friday, as the new guy, we want you to give us a talk about sex." When Friday evening arrived, and it was Dave's turn to speak, he gave a detailed but humorous account of his sex life. Everybody loved it! When he got home that night, Dave's wife Julie, asked how the evening had gone. Not wanting to lie, and not wanting to explain exactly what happened, Dave said, "Oh, I had to give a talk about yachting," Julie thought this was a little strange but said nothing more and went to sleep. The next day Julie bumped into one of his new teammates at the supermarket and said "I heard my husband, Dave, had to make a speech last night. How did it go?" Dave's new teammate said smiling, "Oh, it was excellent! Dave is obviously very experienced!." Julie looked confused and replied "That's strange, he's only done it twice and the second time he was sick."
Apparently the new 007 will be a woman: That means she'll be able to kill someone & then clean up the mess afterwards..
