My wife asked me if she could have a bit of peace and quiet while she cooked dinner. So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
Q. What do Disney World and Viagra have in common? A. They both make you wait an hour for a 2 minute ride.
My mate Dave is thinking of getting a new car and so went into our local BMW dealership yesterday. As he was browsing around, he spotted the top of the range Beemer and walked over to have a look at it. As he bent over to feel the fine leather upholstery, he involuntarily farted. Feeling very embarrassed, he looked around nervously to see if anyone has noticed his little accident and prayed that a sales person didn’t pop up to witness the ‘after effects’. As he turned around, his worst nightmare had materialised in the form of a salesman standing right behind him. Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman said “Good afternoon, sir. How may we help you today?” Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of his little accident, Dave said “Ah yes, how much is this lovely vehicle?” The salesman answered “Sir, if you farted just touching it, you are going to shit yourself when I tell you the price.”
“Swear on our children’s lives you haven’t been kissing anyone.” She said when I got home shit-faced last night.. I said, “I swear on our children’s lives, I haven’t been kissing anyone." She then asked me to explain the lipstick on my shirt. “Ah, that’s when I used my shirt to wipe my cock."
My mate Dave has a new girlfriend. Anyway for his second date with her Dave arranged to go round to her house for a meal so bought her a beautiful bunch of flowers as a thank you. As she opened the door, Dave’s girlfriend saw the flowers, dragged him in, laid on the sofa, pulled her skirt up, ripped her knickers off and said to Dave “This is for the flowers!” “Don't be daft” says Dave, “You must have a vase somewhere!”
My dentist told me he has been voted 'dentist of the year'. He said he was also presented with a little plaque.
Two Italian men, Giuseppe and Mario, got on the bus to town. When they'd sat down they immediately began to engage in an animated conversation, as Italians do. The lady sitting behind them ignored them at first, but her attention was captured when she heard one of the men say: "Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time." "You disgusting, foul mouthed swine," said the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!" "Hey, coola down lady," said Giuseppe. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."
Q. How can you spot the illegitimate Jelly Babies in a packet? A. Tip the opened packet upside down & all the bastards fall out.
My mate Dave’s just bought his wife some ‘Meatloaf’ knickers for her birthday. The front says "I will do anything for love" On the back it says "But I won't do that".
A guy starts talking to two women in a bar who turn out to be Siamese twins, and they wind up back at his apartment. He makes love to one, and then starts to work on the other. He realizes that the first one might get bored watching, so he asks her what she’d like to do. She says, “Is that a trombone in the corner? I’d love to play your trombone.” So she plays it while he screws her sister. A few weeks later, the girls are walking past the guy’s apartment building. One of the girls says, “Let’s stop up and see that guy.” The other girl says, “Gee… do you think he’d remember us?”
My mate in the US said he was the envy of his friends, bragging about shagging the teacher and fingering the best looking girl in the class. He said it was one of the benefits of being home-schooled in Arkansas.
My mate Dave walked into our local wine bar and sat next to a very attractive woman sat at the bar. He gave her a quick glance then casually looked at his watch for a moment. The woman noticed this and said “Is your date running late?” “No,” Dave replied “I bought this state-of-the-art watch just this afternoon. I was just testing it.” The woman was now slightly curious and said, “A state-of-the-art watch? What’s so special about it?” “Well” Dave explained “It’s ultra hi-tech and uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.” “Oooh very interesting” said the attractive woman “What’s it telling you now?” “Well, it says you’re not wearing any knickers.” said Dave. The woman giggled and replied “Well I’d take it back and get a refund as it must be broken, because I am wearing knickers!” Dave smiled, tapped his watch and said “Bloody hell, the thing’s an hour fast.”
My mate has invented a nerve gas that stays close to the ground & never rises above 4ft. It's for use in chemical dwarfare..
I was walking past my fridge last night when I thought I heard two onions singing a Bee Gees song. But when I opened the fridge door I saw it was just the chives talking.
For a nice cooling effect during this hot weather, try taking your clothes off & standing in front of the fridge whilst holding the door open. A note of caution: Some supermarkets don't appear to like this...
A little old lady had always wanted to join a local biker club. One day she goes up and knocks on the door. A big, hairy, bearded ducati biker with tattoos all over his arms answers. She proclaims, "I want to join your club." The guy was amused, but says she needs to meet certain biker requirements in order to join. The biker asks, "Do you have a motorcycle?" The little old lady replies, "Yep... my bike's parked over there", and points to a 916 in the driveway. The biker asks, "Do you drink?" The little old lady replies, "Yep... drink like a fish. I'll drink any man in your club under the table." The biker asks, "Do you smoke?" The little old lady replies, "Yep... smoke like a chimney. At least 4 packs of cigarettes a day and a couple of cigars in the evening, while I'm shooting pool." The biker is very impressed and asks, "Last question, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?" The little old lady thinks for a minute and says, "Nope ... but I've been swung around by my nipples a few times."
I met with my bank manager and asked, "How do I start a small business?" He replied, "Start a large one and wait six months."
