On receipt of a package from the online retailer ’Amazon’ my mate Dave said to his wife, Julie...."Woohoo! My Olympic condoms have arrived! I think I will wear gold tonight." "Tell you what” said Julie “Why don't you wear silver and cum second for a change?"
I need to re-home a dog. It's a small terrier and barks a lot. If you're interested let me know, and I'll jump over next door's fence and get it for you.
As Dave’s wife Julie walked past him sat on the sofa watching the tv Dave reached out and pinched his wifes arse and said "Do you know what? If you exercised more you could firm this up and you could get rid of your girdle and wear some sexier lingerie for a change”. Dave’s crass comment annoyed Julie but she decided to bite her tongue and say nothing. Later that night in bed, Dave squeezed her boobs and said "Do you know what, if you firmed these up you could get rid of those ‘industrial’ type bras you wear and could wear something sexy and lacy for me?" Absolutely incensed by this second comment Julie reached over and grabbed his dick and said: "Well if you firmed this up, we could get rid of the gardener, the milk man and your fucking brother?"
My mate Dave and his son were in the supermarket shopping when they walked down the men’s personal hygiene section. "Dad, what are these?" said Dave junior. "That's a 3 pack of condoms for secondary school lads, son. 1 for Friday night, 1 for Saturday night and 1 for Sunday night." "What about the 6 pack dad?" said Dave Jr. "Those are for University lads. 2 for Friday night, 2 for Satuday night and 2 for Sunday night." "Well dad” said junior “What about the 12 pack then?" "Married men son. 1 for January, 1 for February, 1 for March .......”
Rumour has it Stanley Johnson has resigned as Boris Johnson's dad, and has defected to the Milibands..
*HOW TO INSTALL HUSBAND* : A woman writes to the IT Technical support Guy :- Dear Tech Support, Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and I noticed a distinct slowdown in the overall system performance. This is particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0! In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled another valuable program, Romance 9.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NEWS 5.0, MONEY 3.0 and CRICKET 4.1 What can I do? Rgds Xxxx Reply : Dear Madam, First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.
My mate says he's thinking of dumping his Chinese girlfriend because of her obesity: She's Wei Tu Fat.
Huddersfield university were taking part in a national survey on behalf of the government on sexual health and habits in the UK so they sent a team of researchers out around town to canvas opinions from the local community. So yesterday a student from the university came door-to-door asking questions for the sexual survey in our neighbourhood. When my mate Dave answered his door the researcher firstly showed his ID, then told him about the study he was involved in and asked if Dave would kindly agree to answering some questions for the study. Dave agreed to help if he could. "So” said the researcher “How often a week do you have sex with your wife?" "Three times a week" Dave said without hesitation. "That’s once more often than your neighbour" the researcher said, writing down Dave’s response. "That makes sense" Dave said, "After all, she is my wife."
A hydro-geologist has predicted that Jordan will dry up completely by 2050. To be fair she'll be 91 by then.
A couple of dogs were sat in the kitchen chewing the fat. First dog: “I heard a good joke today.” Second dog: “Go on then..” First dog: “Knock Kno....." Second dog leaps up and goes berserk.
Last night me and my mate Dave were chatting in the pub when I said to him “So Dave, who would you like to have sex with, anyone living or dead” “Well” said Dave “it’d have to be ‘anyone living’”
Just mentioned to my mate that I’ve always had a bit of a thing for Beyoncé. “Whatever floats your boat.” He said. “No.” I said, “That’s buoyancy.”
My mate Dave went on a date last night and in an effort to try and impress his date he told her that he worked with animals every day. "Oh, how sweet." she said "What do you do?" Dave replied "I'm a butcher."
Sean Connery has announced that after 16 years of retirement he has found his niche. She was in the garden playing with his nephew.
