My next door neighbours Mr. and Mrs. Smith, who were having some problems in the bedroom department, went to see a sex therapist who promised to only take their case if he knew he could help them. After hours of rigorous tests, he agreed he could help. He told them to stop at the supermarket on the way home and buy some doughnuts and grapes. He told Mrs. Smith to toss the doughnuts at Mr.Smith's erection and eat the ones that stayed on. He then told Mr.Smith to roll the grapes across the floor and eat the ones that became lodged in Mrs. Smith's ‘love canal’. A few weeks later, my mate Dave and his wife Julie, who were also having problems in the bedroom went to see the same doctor. "Our friends the Smiths have told us to come to you, as you should be able to help us." they said to him. The doctor carried out the same tests and finally came back to Dave and Julie. He told them he was sorry but there was just nothing he could do to help. Both Dave and Julie were distraught and said in unison "You helped the Smiths, why won't you help us?" After continued begging, the doctor finally gave in and said "ok, ok I’ll help............... stop by the supermarket on the way home and buy a box of Cheerios and a bag of oranges."
My mate is starting to think his fat wife eats too much: Ever since they went to McDonald’s together & the staff started doing limbering up exercises when they saw her.
For my birthday last week, my mate Dave bought me a book called "Road Kill Recipes". As luck would have it, the next day I came across some road kill so I cooked it according to one of the recipes in the book and it was delicious. I'm just not sure what I should do with the bike.
I think my wife is selling sex toys. I just heard her on the phone saying, "I can't get rid of the fucking dick."
My mate Dave and his wife, Julie, had a big argument at breakfast yesterday. The insults back and forth escalated ending with Dave finally shouting "And you’re shit in bed too!!" as he stormed off to work. At work the terrible start to the day prayed on Dave’s mind, so at lunchtime he decided he'd better make amends and he decided to phone home. The phone rang for ages before Julie eventually picked up the phone. "What took you so long to answer?" asked Dave "I was in bed." replied Julie "You were in bed?” said Dave “What were you doing in bed this late?" "Getting a second opinion." replied Julie
Our house has no five second rule about food that is dropped on the floor. That’s because we have two one second dogs.
A certain private Catholic school was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the school toilets. After they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the maintenance man would remove them; and the next day the girls would put them back. Finally, the principal, Sister Mary, decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian, who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses). To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, Sister Mary asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Problem solved.
I see Madonna is back in London with a new adopted child. The weird thing for the child must be that it’s now wearing the clothes it made two months ago.
My mate said his new girlfriend told him she was an agoraphobe. He asked, "What's that when it's at home?"
The postman comes to a house door one morning, and finds it's open. Looking in he sees a sheet hanging vertically across a rope with a small hole in the middle and wine bottles scattered all over the floor. He curiously asks the female occupier “ what went on here? ” The woman in the doorway replies “ All the neighbors came over last night to play a game of "guess who’s who?”. She then added “ We all got drunk, the men stuck there manhood through the sheet and the wives had to guess who it was." Smiling the postman and replies “ That sounds like fun- I wish I was there." The woman said "You should have been. - Your name came up four times"
The new blonde nurse at our local hospital turned up with a box of red crayons. Apparently she has them in case she's asked to draw blood...
A married couple went to the hospital together to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out? They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the knob to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine, so he asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and pulse and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this, they decided to try for 50 percent. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, he encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they arrived home, the milkman was dead on their porch
I've just mentioned to my wife that I’ve always had a bit of a thing for Beyoncé. “Whatever floats your boat”. She said. “No” I said, “that’s buoyancy”.
My mate said his grandad committed suicide by eating all 88 keys on a piano. He didn't leave a note..
A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them are very good at playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons. The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard!" "Well, what should I do?", asks the man. "Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your wife's breast." Taking the advice, he takes a swing, and POW! He hits the ball 250 yards straight up the fairway. The ecstatic man goes back to his wife with the good news, and the wife can't wait for her lesson. The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her swing and says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard." "What can I do?" asks the wife. "Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's "Penis." The wife listens carefully to the pro's advice, takes a swing, and THUMP -- the ball skips down the fairway about 15 feet. "You know, that was a lot better than I expected," the pro says. "Now, take the club out of your mouth and hold the club in your hands.
Thomas Cook have announced that over 21,000 people will lose their jobs. No Scousers are affected by this...
A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed-off and watched in horror as the ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She then explained that she was a physical therapist and offered to help ease his “pain.” “Please allow me to help, I am a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you’d just allow me!” She told him earnestly. “Ummph, oooh, nnnoo, I’ll be alright…I’ll be fine in a few minutes,” he replied as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch. The woman takes it upon herself to begin to “ease his pain”. She began to massage his groin. After 10 minutes she asked, “Does that feel better?” The man looked up at her and replied, “Yes, that feels pretty good…. but my thumb still hurts like hell!”
