The wide couldn't understand why I wanted to visit the Vagina Museum after 35 years of marriage: "Haven't you seen mine often enough?" She said. "Yes, but they'll let me inside it." I replied.
A Catholic Priest, an Indian Doctor, a Chinese Businessman, and an Irish Bricklayer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them: The Irishman fumed. "What's with those bastards? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!" The Indian Doctor chimed in. "I don't know, but I'm losing my patience!" The Chinese Businessman called out. "Move it. Time is money!" The Catholic Priest said. "Here comes George the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him." "Hello, George." Said the Catholic Priest. "What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" George the greens keeper replied. "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year. We are forever grateful. We always let them play for free anytime." The group fell silent for a moment. The Catholic Priest was the first to speak and said. "That's so sad. God forgive us. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The Indian Doctor said. "Vishnu, I repent. Good idea priest. I will also contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them." The Chinese Businessman replied. "I'm writing a cheque at this very moment. $50,000 to these brave souls." The Irish Bricklayer said. "Why can't the bastards play at night?"
Q. Why do hillbillies from the Ozarks use an imperial measurement system? A. Because they can count to 12 on their hands.
My mate Dave recently got a new job and found out that his new colleagues always met for a round of golf every Saturday. One day they asked Dave if he’d like to join them. Dave was delighted at being asked, as it meant they’d finally accepted him into their social group. So Dave said he’d love to play with them. His colleagues asked Dave to meet them at the local golf club at 10am on Saturday morning. Dave replied that he would love to meet them at 10am, but he may be 30 minutes late. Saturday morning came and Dave was there at exactly 10am with some right handed clubs. He golfed right handed and won the round. Next Saturday came around, and once again Dave said that he will be there at 10am but he may be half an hour late again. But once again Dave showed up right on time, but this time with some left handed club. This time he golfs left handed, and again wins the round. This continued for the next few weeks, with Dave always saying that he may be half an hour late, and then always winning the round golfing either left or right handed. Dave’s colleagues, understandably were getting tired of this, and decided to ask him what was going on. So one morning they said, "Dave, every Saturday you say you may be half an hour late. You never are. Then you show up and golf either right handed or left handed, and always win. How come?" “Well” Dave replied, "I am a very superstitious kind of guy. Every Saturday morning when I wake up, I look over at my wife. If she is sleeping on her left side, then I bring my left handed clubs and I golf left handed. If she is sleeping on her right side, then I bring my right handed clubs and I golf right handed." "Well," one of his colleagues asked "What happens if she is laying on her back or front?" Dave replied, "Then I am half an hour late."
The couple were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies. Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife’s insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade. One day, their good health didn’t help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven. They reached the pearly gates, and St Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favourite clothes in the closet. They gasped in astonishment when he said, "Welcome to Heaven this will be your home now"... The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. "Why, nothing"... Peter replied, "remember, this is your reward in Heaven"... The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.. "What are the greens fees"...? Grumbled the old man. "This is heaven"... St Peter replied. "You can play for free, every day" Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages. "Don’t even ask" said St. Peter to the man. This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy"... The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife. "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea"...? he asked. "That’s the best part"... St. Peter replied. "You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven"... The old man pushed, "No gym to work out at"...? "Not unless you want to" was the answer. "No testing my sugar or blood pressure or"... "Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself"... The old man glared at his wife and said, "You and your fucking bran Flakes. We could have been here ten years ago".
My mate bought some desensitising condoms, but he said they don't work: His wife still threw him out after she caught him shagging her sister..
A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks: First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is boss, he beats it to death with a spade. Realizing his employer won't be best pleased he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything. Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps that pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two chimps with a spade killing them both. What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything... He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure. He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South American Bees. As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and shovels them into the lions cage because lions eat anything. Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo.. He wanders up to another lion and says "What's the food like here?" The lion says: "Absolutely brilliant, - today we had Fish and Chimps with Mushy Bees"
Q. What's the difference between a condom and a cabinet minister? A. Condoms have evolved over the years, they're not quite so thick & insensitive these days..
I was watching a film with my daughter the other night and she turned to me with a tear in her eye and asked “Is that pretty lady going to die Daddy?” “I think so darling “ i replied “ judging by the size of that horses cock!”
Coach Alberto Salazar is now suspected of dealing in drugs. Apparently Mo Farah was a runner for him..
Fred and Mary got married, but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's parent's home for their first night together: In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his Mum if Fred and Mary are up yet. She replies. "No!" Johnny asks. "Do you know what I think?" His mom replies. "I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school." Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom. "Are Fred and Mary up yet?" She replies. "No!" Johnny says. "Do you know what I think?" His mom replies. "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school." After school, Johnny comes home and asks again. "Are Fred and Mary up yet?" His mum says. "No!" He asks. "Do you know what I think?" His Mom replies. "Ok, do tell me what you think?" He says. "Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my model aeroplane glue"
50 Shades of Grey The missus bought a Paperback, From Skipton Market day, I had a look inside her bag;... T'was "Fifty Shades of Grey". Well I just left her to it, And at ten I went to bed. An hour later she appeared; The sight filled me with dread. In her left hand she held a rope; And in her right a whip! She threw them down upon the floor, And then began to strip. Well fifty years or so ago; I might have had a peek; But Mabel hasn't weathered well; She's eighty four next week!! Watching Mabel bump and grind; Could not have been much grimmer. And things then went from bad to worse; She toppled off her Zimmer! She struggled back upon her feet; A couple minutes later; She put her teeth back in and said "I am a dominator!!" Now if you knew our Mabel, You'd see just why I spluttered, I'd spent two months in traction For the last complaint I'd uttered. She stood there nude and naked Bent forward just a bit I went to hold her, sensual like and stood on her left tit! Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out; My God what had I done! She moaned and groaned then shouted out: "Step on the other one!!" Well readers, I can tell no more; Of what occurred that day. Suffice to say my jet black hair, Turned fifty shades of grey!! Pam Ayres
It’s a 4 minute walk from my house to the pub. It’s a 45 minute walk from the pub to my house. The difference is staggering..
The Managing Director of Dulux Paints has been hospitalised after developing hypothermia during a trek across the Antarctic. Medics said he should have had a second coat..
The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession. “Of course, my son,” said the priest. “Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her.” “That’s a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess,” said the priest. “It’s worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors,” continued the old man. “Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk -you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly,” said the priest. “Thanks, Father,” said the old man. “That’s a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?” “Of course, my son,” said the priest. The old man asked, “Do I need to tell her that the war is over?”.
