My mate said that last night his wife wore one of those skirts with her bum poking out. Shame it was a knee length skirt..
Four old retired guys are walking down a street in Yuma, Arizona. They turn a corner and see a sign that says,"Old Timers Bar - ALL drinks 10 cents." They look at each other and then go in, thinking, This is too good to be true. The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, gentlemen?" There's a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a martini. In no time the bartender serves up four iced martinis - shaken, not stirred - and says, "That'll be 10 cents each, please." The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other. They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round. Again, four excellent martinis are produced, with the bartender again saying, "That's 40 cents, please." They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity gets the better of them. They've each had two martinis and haven't even spent a dollar yet. Finally one of them says, "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime a piece?" "I'm a retired tailor from Phoenix," the bartender says, "and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery jackpot for $125 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime. Wine, liquor, beer – it's all the same." "Wow! That's some story!" one of the men says. As the four of them sip at their martinis, they can't help noticing seven other people at the end of the bar who don't have any drinks in front of them and haven't ordered anything the whole time they've been there. Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men asks the bartender, "What's with them?" The bartender says, "They're retired people from Scotland - they're waiting for "Happy Hour" when drinks are half-price."
According to a survey I've just read in “Which" magazine, it was estimated that the average man has sex 116 times per year. I can’t wait. If it's right, I’m in for a fantastic December!!
One day, in Bible land, long after the great flood waters had died down, God calls down to Noah and says, "Noah me old mucker, I want you to make me a new Ark". Noah replies, "No probs God, me old Supreme Being, anything you want, after all - you're the boss... " But God interrupts, "Ah, but there's a catch. This time Noah, I want not just a couple of decks, . . I want 20 decks one on top of the other". "20 DECKS!", screams Noah. "Well, OK oh Supreme One, whatever you say. Should I fill it up with all the animals just like last time?" "Yep, that's right, well . .. sort of right . . this time I want you to fill it up with fish", God answers. "Fish?", queries Noah God replies; "Yep, fish . . well, to make it more specific Noah, I want Koi carp - wall to wall, floor to ceiling - Koi Carp!" Noah looks to the skies. "OK... God my old mate, let me get this right, you want a New Ark?" Yep...". "With 20 decks, one on top of the other?". "Correctamundo". "And you want it full of Carp?". "Check" "Why?" asks the perplexed Noah, who was slowly getting increasingly worried about either the sanity of God or his own hearing... "Dunno", says God.... "I just fancied a Multi-Story Carp Ark".
My mate has been married for 30 years, and he says he's now thinking about entering a same sex relationship. He reckons it might be nice to have a blow job again after all these years.
A man walks into a library and asks if they have any books about paranoia. The librarian says "They're right behind you!"
The French are looking for new allies who will never attack them. Manchester United are said to be interested..
My mate Dave’s little boy, Jonny, asked him for a bike for his birthday. Dave said: "We'd get you one son, but money’s a bit tight. We’ve just moved house, our mortgage is now £180,000 and your mum has recently lost her job." The next day little Jonny walked into the kitchen with his suitcase packed so Dave said “Where you going son?" Jonny replied: "I walked past your bedroom last night and heard you tell mum you were pulling out. Then I heard mum tell you to wait because she was coming too......and I'm not staying here on me own with an £180,000 mortgage and no fucking bike!"
Two sheep herders were flying the herd to a new farm. Suddenly, the engine failed and the plane began to fall quickly to the ground. Sheep Herder 1: "Quick! Grab a parachute and jump!" Sheep Herder 2: "What about the sheep?!?" Sheep Herder 1: "Fuck the sheep!!!!" Sheep Herder 2: "(pause) Do you think we have time?"
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists: two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. “We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!!” The man said, “You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife.” The agent said, “Then you’re not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.” The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.” The agent said, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.” Finally, it was the woman’s turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow. "This gun is loaded with blanks." she said. "I had to kill him with the chair."
Q: What three lies does a farmer tell? A: 1. I own my own farm. 2. I do have a pick up truck. 3. Honestly, I was only trying to help that sheep over the fence!
I asked the local farmer, "Are your animals considerately reared?" He replied, "Sure, I always use plenty of lube."
Some dirty pervert pinched a pair of the wife's knickers off the washing line this morning. We're not really bothered about the old knickers, we just want the 34 pegs back...
A Cabinet member has claimed that a no-deal Brexit could lead to an increase in dogging. Yeah right. As if any bugger will still be able to afford petrol.
A rich Florida man decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited Leroy, the only Redneck in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the women. At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 10 foot man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump in... The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash. Everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool! Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its ass! Leroy was jabbing it in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping it through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor. The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and the gator were screaming and raising hell. Finally, Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a dime store goldfish. Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief! Finally the host says, 'Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.' 'No, that's okay. I don't want it,' said Leroy. The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet... How about half a million bucks then?' 'No thanks, I don't want it,' answered Leroy. The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing! How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?' Again Leroy said no. Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well, Leroy, then what do you want?' Leroy said, 'I want the name of the twat who pushed me into the pool'
