A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to the man. The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why the dog is allowed on the plane. The second man explained that he is a DEA agent and that the dog is a "sniffing dog". "His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work." The plane takes off, and once it has leveled out, the agent says: "Watch this." He tells Sniffer to "search". Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the agent's arm. The agent says, "Good boy", and he turns to the man and says: "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land." "Say, that's pretty neat" replies the first man. Once again, the agent sends Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat, and this time, he places TWO paws on the agent's arm. The agent says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police." "I like it!" says his seat mate. The agent then told Sniffer to "search" again. Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to shit all over the seat. The first man is really grossed out by this behavior and can't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would act like that, so he asks the agent, "What's going on?" The agent nervously replied, "There’s a fucking bomb on board “
A man boards a plane with six kids. After they get settled in their seats, a woman sitting across the aisle leans over to him and asks, "Are all of those kids yours?" He replies, "No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints."
I felt sorry for the hypnotist I saw last night. He hypnotized 7 guys, then dropped the mic on his foot and screamed "FUCK ME!" What happened next will haunt me for the rest of my life.
Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face, and told her mother, "Frankie Brown showed me his willy today at the playground!" Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut." Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's mum asked, "Really small was it?" Sally replied, "No, salty." Mum fainted.
My mate Dave’s boss said to him this week "Dave, you know we have that large order to get out? Do you think you can come in on Saturday and do some overtime? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I really need you here." "Yeah, no problem” Dave replied “I'll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends." He said "Okay, when do you think you'll get here then?" “Monday." said Dave.
My mate said his wife and her sister got caught in a thunder shower on the way home from weight watchers yesterday: He reckoned it was the funniest example of saturated fats he'd ever seen.
Two old men, one Italian and one Greek, were arguing about history and the splendours of Athens and Rome. The Greek man said "Look, all I'm saying is that the Greeks invented everything the Romans get credit for!" The Italian said "Yes, maybe, but the Romans improved it and made it useful!" The Greek man said "We invented Democracy!" The Italian said "We realized the challenge of direct elections and the benefit of the legislature, and therefore created the Republic!" The Greek man said "Yes, but we created beautiful architecture like the Parthenon!" The Italian said "And we improved your building techniques, and used them to create aqueducts and structures that have stood for centuries longer!" The Greek man, frustrated, finally said "Ah, and of course the Greeks INVENTED sex!" The Italian man said "That may be true, but we introduced it to women."
When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day. One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football there." Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed," Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you. Shortly after that, Joe passes on. At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Mike--Mike." "Who is it? asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?" "Mike--it's me, Joe." "You're not Joe. Joe just died." "I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice. "Joe! Where are you?" "In heaven", replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news." "Tell me the good news first," says Mike. "The good news," Joe says," is that there's football in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play football all we want, and we never get tired." That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news? "You're on the team sheet for this Saturday's match
My mate Dave just admitted that he broke my favourite lamp. I'm not sure I'll be able look at him in the same light ever again.
NASA had to rearrange the first all-female space walk after they refused to leave the rocket wearing the same outfit.
An Arab Sheik was admitted to Hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to build up a stock of his blood type for transfusion. As the gentleman had a rare type of blood and it couldn't be found locally, the call went out globally. Finally a Scotsman was located who had the same blood type. He willingly donated his blood for the Arab. After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a top of the range motor a diamond encrusted Rolex and £50,000 to show his gratitude A couple of days later, the Arab had to go through corrective surgery. His doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his blood again. After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of chocolates. The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not appreciate his kind gesture as he had anticipated. He phoned the Arab and says: "I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me fabulous gifts and loads of money, but you only gave me a thank-you card and a box of chocolates". To this the Arab replied: "Aye laddie, but I now have Scottish blood in ma veins".
They say you should never return to a firework that hasn't gone off: We haven't been in our back garden since 5th November 1987...
I bumped into my mate Peter. He’s a very small man who works in a flatbread bakery, and he had loads of funny stories about his job. I love to hear the pitta patter of Tiny Pete...
A gas station owner in Mississippi was trying to increase his sales. So he put up a sign that read, "Free Sex with Fill-Up." Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly he would get his free sex. The redneck guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close. The number was 7. Sorry, no sex this time." A week later, the same redneck, along with a buddy, Bubba, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again asked him to guess the correct number. The redneck guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time." As they were driving away, the redneck said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex." Bubba replied, "It ain't rigged. My wife won twice last week."
I drew £30 out of a cash machine & now I can hear ‘Nessun Dorma’ coming out of my wallet. Must be one of those three tenners...
Victor saw a sign in the window of Barney's Restaurant, that read 'Unusual Breakfast'. Always an adventurous eater, Victor went in and sat down. The waitress brought him his pot of tea and asked him what he wanted to eat. 'What's does your unusual breakfast include?' he asked politely. 'Baked tongue of chicken!' she replied with a grin. 'Baked tongue of chicken?... baked tongue of chicken! Do you have any idea how disgusting that is? I would never even consider eating anything that came out of a chicken's mouth!' Victor cried. Undaunted, the waitress asked, 'What would you like then?' Victor replied ' just bring me some scrambled eggs'
