Before you laugh at children who believe in Father Christmas, remember, there are adults who still believe in Ole Gunnar Solskjaer...
Just before setting out for the hairdressers, the wife asked, "Which cut do you think would make me look more attractive?" Apparently 'A fecking power cut' was the wrong answer...
My mate said his wife is a constant reminder of Halloween: She's dark. She's a witch. Her minge is hidden by cobwebs, and she promises him a treat once a year before tricking him..
A man sees a sign outside a house - 'Talking Dog For Sale.' He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden. The man sees a very nice looking Sprocker sitting there. "Do you really talk?" he asks the dog. "Yes," the Sprocker replies. After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, he man asks, "So, tell me your story." The Sprocker looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the SAS. "In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping. "I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals. I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired." The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog. "Ten quid," the owner says. "£10!!? But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?" "Because he's a lying bastard. He's never been out of the garden!!.
Julius Caesar returned from Gaul and stood before the cheering Romans in triumph. He raised his hand for silence, and proceeded with his speech. “Friends, Romans, countrymen! I have returned triumphant from Gaul where I crushed them. Our victorious army killed a million Gauls!" The crowd cried and cheered "Hail Caesar!" Caesar carried on, "My friends, Romans, countrymen, I shall now depart to Britannia, where I expect to bring greater glory for Rome and quell the barbarian peoples!" The crowd went crazy!! At the back stood a jealous Mark Antony. Turning to his friend Brutus he said, "I hate Julius Caesar, he’s just a bragging big head that talks a good fight. I reckon he's bullshitting. I'm off to Gaul to check out this story of his." And with that off he went to Gaul with his troops. Months went by and Julius Caesar returned once more triumphant and idolised by the Roman people. Raising his hand for silence he began to regale the crowd with his latest daring escapades. “Friends, Romans, countrymen, once more I return triumphant, this time from Britannia, where I killed half a million Britons and took Britannia into the glorious Roman Empire..." From the back of the crowd Mark Antony shouted "Liar!" The crowd was shocked, and all eyes turned on the young Mark Antony. "I too have been to Gaul” said Mark Antony “ You say you killed one million Gauls. This is a lie! My troops counted every single body and found only HALF a million!" The crowd gasped in surprise, and began to get angry. Julius Caesar raised his hand once more and there was silence. "Thank you for your comments Mark Antony, but surely you know that in Europe away Gauls count double!"
Any husband who says, "My wife and I are completely equal partners." is either talking about a law firm or a hand of bridge.
My mate Dave's grandma had an amazing way with words. I remember the day he rang her up when his Granddad had gone into a care home. He was a lovely old fella so it was very sad. Dave said to his gran "How is he getting on in the care home Gran?" "Oh he’s like a fish out of water" she said to Dave "Is he finding it hard to adjust?" said Dave She said "No..........he’s dead"
My mate refers to his new girlfriend as 'The Bowling Ball': Because she's round with three holes you can stick your fingers in, and she belongs in the gutter.
One Halloween a man was walking down the street and heard a thumping noise behind him. Looking behind him he saw a coffin following him, upright. He was a bit nervous and began walking a little bit faster. The coffin continued, "thumpety thump, thumpety thump". He began running and the coffin kept up and began opening and closing, ""thumpety thump, thumpety thump clap, "thumpety thump, thumpety thump clap". Terrified he ran to his front door, and went inside, slamming the door and locking it. The coffin continued, "thumpety thump, thumpety thump - CRASH" it came right through the door, He ran up the stairs, and right behind him, "thumpety thump, thumpety thump clap, "thumpety thump, thumpety thump clap". He rushed into the bathroom and slammed the door, but the coffin broke through the door - "thumpety thump, thumpety thump crash". Terrified the man grabbed the first thing he could, a bottle of Benylin, and threw it - and the coffin stopped
Q. What’s the difference between Halloween and Christmas? I’m only asking because Asda don’t seem to fecking know either...
My mate Dave went to a fancy dress party at the weekend dressed only in his Y-fronts. The hostess went up to him and said "Dave, you’ve got me.......What are you supposed to be?" “A premature ejaculation." said Dave “A what?" says the woman. "I've just come in my pants." said Dave
This afternoon I went to collect the Dracula outfit I ordered from the fancy dress costume shop in town in readiness to go “trick or treating” tonight. But instead the girl behind the counter brought out a Leeds United shirt for me. I think she misheard me when I ordered my costume over the phone.............I said I wanted to look like a count.
Hillbilly Striptease Cletus is passing by Billy Bob 's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old John Deere tractor. Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt. Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay. Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the world're ya doing, Billy Bob ?" "Good grief, Cletus, ya scared the bejeebers out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob .. "But me 'n the wife been havin trouble lately in the bedroom d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor."
