I once took the mother-in-law to Madame Tussaud's chamber of horrors and one of the attendants said, “Keep her moving Sir, we're stocktaking.”
A real southern gentleman went to Las Vegas. Sitting in a Cocktail lounge, he beckoned the waitress and said quietly, "Miss, y'all sure are a luvly, luvly lady. Can ah persuade y'all to give me a piece of ass?" "Wow, that's the most direct proposition I've ever had!", gasped the girl. Then she looked around the room, smiled and said, "Sure, why not? You're an attractive guy too, and it's pretty slow here right now, so why don't we just slip away up to your room?" When they returned half an hour later, the man sat down at the same table and the waitress smiled at him and asked, "Will there be anything else?" "Why yes," replied the southern gentleman. "Ah sure 'preciate what y'all just did for me. It was real sweet and right neighbourly of y'all. But where ah come from in Alabama, we lack our bourbon real cold, so ah still need a piece of ass for mah drink."
My mate, Dave has a young son also called Dave. One day Dave Jr, asked his father what alcoholism was. Dave said to Dave Jr "Well let me explain it this way. See those two trees over there? An alcoholic would say there's four." "But dad, there is only one tree over there." Dave Jr replied
Went to a séance last night & we heard Maurice & Robin Gibb singing 'Stayin' Alive'. Turned out someone had brought a BeeGee Board..
30 years ago today I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Dave was a little taken aback too.
Q. What’s the difference between a well-dressed man on a bicycle & a badly-dressed man on a unicycle? A. Attire..
The only thing worse than finding out you were given up for adoption would be finding out it was Rick Astley who gave you up
I imagine the guy who invented the umbrella was just going to call it the 'brella'...............But he hesitated.
Meet the new guy at our place of work. Nobody appears to know his name because whenever I ask who he is, my colleagues reply... "Fuck knows."
At the funeral of a Roman Catholic friend, his family advised I should make the sign of the cross on entering the church. So I shook my fist furiously.
My mate was working as part of a firework public display team. He accidentally set some off in the wrong direction so they immediately sacked him. He said it was bang out of order...
