My mate Dave bought a brand new new car last week and his wife, Julie, took it out for the first time and managed to roll it and put it into a ditch yesterday afternoon. "I'm glad you're OK" Dave said, “But how the hell did that happen?” “Well" said Julie "There was a pine tree in the middle of the road and so I went to the left but it swung to the left, so I went to the right and it swung to the right.” “That was the air-freshener, you stupid fat cow.” said Dave
I’ve just seen on the BBC news that the Irish have solved their own fuel problems. They’ve apparently imported 150 Million tonnes of sand from Saudi Arabia and they're going to drill for their own oil.
Think I’m getting too old for modern technology: Just tried to wipe dust off my iPhone screen and I now have a 12-month subscription to Netflix..
The local primary school teacher Miss Jones, said to her class “Can anyone give me a sentence with the word ‘pistol’ in it? Little Sophie put her hand up and said “My daddy is a soldier, he wears a uniform, he has a rifle, a bayonet, a sword, and a pistol too” “Very good Sophie” said Miss Jones, “Anyone else?” Little Johnny put his hand up “Miss, my dad isn’t a soldier and doesn’t have a uniform, but he picks up his dole money at half nine and he’s on the piss’till two.”
The man who lit fireworks at a Remembrance Day event has been jailed. The man said he was disappointed the court didn't let him off.
A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of quid for dinner. The man took out his wallet, extracted ten quid and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?" "No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied. "Will you spend this on bike parts instead of food?" the man asked. "Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't had a bike in 20 years!" "Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife." The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking and bikes."
My mate Dave went to the supermarket yesterday and bought a box of 20 condoms. As the check out girl was scanning the box she said to Dave "Do you need a bag sir?" "No thank you” replied Dave “She's not that ugly".
When asked what the best thing about a blow job was, men's answers varied: 40% said it was the sensuous intimacy in a loving relationship, 40% said it was the 10 minutes of peace and quiet and 20% said it was the mint afterwards....
Watching TV on Friday evening - one of the presenters on Children in Need said, "Pick up your phone and pledge." I'm still sitting here, with the phone in one hand and a can of furniture polish in the other, wondering what I'm supposed to do next?
A Charity has been set up for people affected by the recent flooding in South East Buckinghamshire. Send your donations to Chiltern in Need.
A woman was sure that her husband was cheating on her, and having an affair with the Maid. So she laid down a trap. One evening she suddenly sent the maid home for the weekend & didn't tell the husband. That night when they went to bed, the husband gave the old story: "Excuse me my dear, my stomach aches", and went to the bathroom. The wife promptly went into the Maid's bed. She switched the lights off. When he came in silently, he wasted no time or words but had his way with her.... When he finished and was still panting, the wife said: "You didn't expect to find me in this bed, did you?" And then she switched on the light... "No madam", said the Gardener.
Little Johnny comes in to school one morning wearing a brand new watch. His best friend, little Benny, wants to know where the watch is from, so Johnny tells his story: “I was coming from the bathroom to my bedroom when I heard a strange noise from my parent’s bedroom. I walked in and saw them bouncing up and down. Dad said I could have anything I wanted as long as I didn’t tell the family. I asked for a new watch and here it is.” Benny decides he wants one too, so night after night he listens outside his parents’ bedroom for any strange noises and, sure enough, eventually he hears some banging and groaning from the other side of the door. He walks in and catches his parents in the act, so his dad offers him anything he wants to keep quiet about the whole affair. Benny immediately says, “I want a watch.” The dad sighs and says, “Alright, but go and stand in the corner and don’t make any noise.”
My mate Dave was telling me yesterday that his wife Julie came back from a shopping trip and whilst in town called into the Anne Summers sex shop. Anyway when she got home she started brandishing a massive vibrator and started goading Dave saying “I don’t need you now! I don’t need you now!” Dave said to me “Guess who had to put the batteries in?”
Two men were walking through the woods and came upon a big black, deep hole. One man picked up a rock and tossed it into the hole and stood listening for the rock to hit bottom. There was no sound. He turned to the other guy and said "that must be a deep hole...let's throw a bigger rock in there and listen for it to hit bottom." The men found a bigger rock and both picked it up and lugged it to the hole and dropped it in. They listened for some time and never heard a sound. Again, they agreed that this must be one deep hole and maybe they should throw something even bigger into it. One man spotted a big wooden railway sleeper nearby. They picked up the sleeper, grunting and groaning, and lugged it to the hole. They tossed it in. No sound. All of a sudden, a goat came flying out of the woods, running like the wind, and flew past the men and jumped straight into the hole. The men were amazed. About that time, an old farmer came out of the woods and asked the men if they had seen a goat. One man told the farmer of the incredible incident they had just witnessed...they had just seen this goat fly out of the woods and run and leap into the big hole. The man asked the farmer if this could have been his goat? The old farmer said "Nope, that can't be my goat...he was chained to a railway sleeper."
A new sign has just gone up in the home dressing room at Old Trafford: 'NO FALKLANDS JOKES: MAURICIO DOESN'T LIKE THEM'
