News flash: There has been a major incident at the World Origami championships. More news later as things unfold..
Quasimodo gets home from work to see Esmeralda getting the wok out of the cupboard. "Great" says Quasi "are we having a Chinese tonight then?" "No" says Esmeralda "I'm just about to iron your shirts"
Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days. My mate Dave asked “In what aisle could I find the Irish sausage?" The assistant said "Are you Irish?" Dave clearly offended, said “Yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you have asked me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you have asked me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you have asked me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a taco, would you have asked if I was Mexican? Or if I asked for Polish sausage, would you have asked if I was Polish?" The assistant replied "No, I probably wouldn't." "Well then” said Dave “just because I asked for Irish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Irish?" The assistant replied, "Because you're in Halfords."
Just been tidying my Outlook email account, tried to merge my spam & junk folders: Ended up with a spunk folder...
Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong? "Well." Replies Paul. "You know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?" "Yes!" Replies Jeff with a laugh. "Well." Says Paul, straightening up. "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed." "That's great!" Says Jeff. "When are you going out?" "I went to meet her this evening!" Continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show." "Sensible!" Says Jeff. "So I get to her door" Says Paul. "And I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw." "And what happened then?" "I kicked her in the face".
Katie Price says she is going to name & shame all her lovers: Half of Britain’s male population are bricking themselves. The other half will have to wait their turn...
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday. 'I'd like to be eight again', she replied, still looking in the mirror ... On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to Adventure World theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was. Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being eight again? Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. 'I meant my dress size !!!!' The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.
When I'm driving my wife always moans about which ever route I take. She loves to tell me which way I should have gone, especially if we get stuck in traffic. I have renamed her: 'SatNag'.
Due to the popularity of BBC's long running Geneology programme, they've decided to devote a series to Celebrities with Alzheimer's. "Who Do You Think You Were?" begins spring 2020.
I came home to find my wife on her hands and knees. "What's wrong?" I asked. "I'm having chest pains." She replied. "You're kneeling on your tits.” I said.
A farmer named Angus in Kentucky was involved a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company . In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Angus. 'Didn't you say to the police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor. Angus responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I'd just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the... ' 'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?' Angus said, 'Well, I'd just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road.... ' The solicitor interrupted again and said,'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question. ' By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Angus' answer and said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'. Angus thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was drivin' her down the road when this huge Eversweet truck and trailer came thundering to a stop sign and hit me trailer right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was trown into the other. By Jaysus I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moanin' and groanin'. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans. Shortly after the accident, a police patrolman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moanin' and groanin' too, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her right between the eyes. Then the policeman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feelin'?' 'Now what the fuck would you say?
The wife said she’d like a big, stiff cock for Christmas. Buggered if I’m paying for her to have a sex change...
A man and a woman are both drinking at a bar. The man says " Excuse me, Miss, but you seem a bit depressed. Is there anything I can help you with ?" She says " My boyfriend broke up with me because he said I was too kinky. " The man says " That's a strange coincidence because my wife left me because she said I was too kinky." The woman is emboldened by this and suggested that they go back to her place and get kinky together. They finish their drinks and head back to her apartment. When they get there she tells the man she's going to get into something more comfortable and that he should wait right there. She goes into her bedroom and puts on a leather bra and a pair of crotchless panties. She grabs a pair of handcuffs and heads back into the living room where she sees the man about to leave. "Where are you going?" she asks " I thought we were going to get kinky." The man says "Lady, I just fingered your dog and took a shit in your purse -- I'm good to go !"
My mate Dave’s just rung me to tell me that he and his wife, Julie, have been to the cinema this afternoon. Apparently half way through the film Julie whispered to Dave that the guy sat next to her was masturbating. “Just ignore him” said Dave “I can’t” said Julie.......”He’s using my hand”
The local hospital is offering replacement anal sphincter surgery: Leave your details on their voicemail service and they’ll give you a ring..
Christmas 2019: Mother is stuffing the Christmas turkey Whilst Father is pouring wine Uncle Fred is shooting up And Grandma’s done a line..
A woman asks her husband at breakfast time, "Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?" He declines. "Thanks for asking but I'm not hungry - right now. It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite." At lunchtime, she asks him if he'd like something. "How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?" He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food." Come dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat? "Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie or maybe a chicken or tasty stir fry?" He declines again.. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not hungry." "Well," she says, "would you mind letting me up? I'm starving....
Christmas is just like any other day at the office: You do all the work, and a fat guy in a suit who is never seen gets all the credit...
