A man goes into the doctors feeling a little ill so the doctor checks him over and says, 'Sorry, I have some bad news, you have “Yellow 24”, a really nasty virus. It's called Yellow 24 because it turns your blood yellow and you usually only have 24 hours to live. There's no known cure so just go home and enjoy your final precious moments on earth.’ So he trudges home to his wife and breaks the news. Distraught, she asks him to go to the bingo with her that evening as he's never been there with her before. They arrive at the bingo and with his first card he gets four corners and wins £35. Then, with the same card, he gets a line and wins £320. Then he gets the full house and wins £1000. Then the National Game comes up and he wins that too getting £380,000. The bingo caller gets him up on stage and says, 'Son, I've been here 20 years and I've never seen anyone win four corners, a line, the full-house and the national game on the same card. You must be the luckiest man on Earth.' 'Lucky?' he screamed. 'Lucky? I'll have you know I've got Yellow 24.’ 'Fuck me,' says the bingo caller. 'You've won the meat raffle as well"
Christmas cracker joke: Q. Why does James Hewitt have a blue cock? A. Because he kept dipping it in Di.
When I was little, my dad always told me when you hear the ice-cream truck music, that means he's sold out. I never got to enjoy ice-cream like other kids.
Scientists have discovered the exact penis size required to keep a woman satisfied: Just one inch more.
Senior Sex -- This is the funniest thing I have ever read ....... WARNING do not have hot coffee in your mouth when you read this!!!! The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you." Yes, she says, "I remember it well." OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?" "Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!" A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them. The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is. So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?" Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."
My mate played Charades with his family on Christmas Day. He said it was great, until his wife and mother-in-law did theirs. He shouted, "Two Fat Ladies!!" But apparently they hadn't started.
My mate questioned the eating habits of his family, who are all vegans: Nobody expects the Spinach Inquisition!
3 guys go camping in their new tent. After a night's sleep, the guy sleeping on the left of the tent wakes up in a cold sweat and tells the others "I had the most horrible nightmare that somebody was trying to pull my dick off!" The guy sleeping on the right says "Weird! I had the exact same dream!" The guy sleeping in the middle says "I had a dream that I was skiing "
The wife started the new year with a touching tribute to David Bowie: She made a huge tin of Heroes last for just one day...
Did you know that if you rest one our testicles on the top of an empty beer bottle and hold a flame under the base eventually the testicle will be sucked inside. If you did know this, please could you let me know how to reverse it. It's quite urgent.
The local church put an add in the paper for a bell ringer and a man with no arms showed up for the job. The priest said you have no arms how can you possibly ring the bell? The man with no arms replied let me show you and if I can do it will I get the job? Yes replied the priest. The man goes up to the bell tower gets a running start and hits the bell with his head and rings the bell! The priest gives him the job and tells him to show up Sunday and at noon he must ring the bell 12 times. That Sunday at noon the man started running into the bell and on his third attempt he was getting a little dizzy and missed the bell and fell from the tower to his death. The parishioners gathered around him and asked does anyone now his name? The priest responds "I never got his name but his face rings a bell"
We were driving down the M1 when I said, "I think those people in the car next to us are from Wales.” "Why do you think that?" She said. I replied, "Well, the kids are writing on the window and it says, “stit ruoy su wohs”
A man goes into hospital for a vasectomy. When he wakes up he's surrounded by several anxious looking doctors and asks nervously "Is there a problem?" The head surgeon says gently, with tears in his eyes "I'm afraid so...I'm sorry but your notes got mixed up and we've given you a sex change rather than a vasectomy" The patient is devastated and in a state of shock replies "Do you mean to say I'll never experience another erection" The surgeon pauses for a moment then says "Well, you might, but it won't be yours."
