Joke Page

A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine. Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of town, he decided to test it on himself first.

So, he inserted his "manhood" into the equipment, turned on the switch and everything else was automatic.
Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with much more pleasure than his wife did. When the fun was over, though, he quickly realized that he couldn't remove the instrument from his 'member'.

He read the manual but didn't find any useful information on how to disengage himself. He tried every button on the instrument, but still without success. Finally, he decided to call the supplier's Customer Service Hot Line with his mobile phone (Thank god for mobile phones).

"Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?"

"Don't worry," replied the customer service rep, "The machine will release automatically once it's collected two gallons."

 

Michael and his wife live in Colorado. One winter morning while listening to the local radio, they hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplough can get through."

Michael's wife goes out and moves her car.

A week later, while they were eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street so the snowplough can get through." Michael's wife goes out and moves her car again.

The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park......", then the electric power goes out. Michael's wife is very upset and, with a worried look on her face, she says, "Honey, I don' know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the plough can get through?"

Michael says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"

 

A couple who work at the circus go to an adoption agency wanting to adopt a child.However Social workers there raise doubts about their suitability.

The couple produces photos of their 50 foot motorhome, which is equipped with a beautiful nursery.

The social workers then are doubtful about the education that the child would get.

"We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French,
Mandarin and computer skills."

Then there are doubts about raising a child in a circus environment.

"Our nanny is an expert in pediatric welfare and diet."

The social workers are finally satisfied.

They ask, "What age child are you hoping to adopt?"

"It doesn't really matter, so long as he fits in the cannon."

 

A day from the diary of a BMW driver...

"The other day I was cruising along as usual coming onto one of my motorways, which was very busy with inferior cars.

First off, I couldn't believe that the volume of traffic DIDN'T slow down for me AT ALL as I came off the slip road! I had to squeeze into a barely big enough gap between two cars in order to get onto my motorway!
...
The driver of the car behind me did realise his mistake though and honked an apology to me with a long blast of his horn.

Unbelievably, I had to do the same again before I could get to the BMW lane.

Anyway, once I was in the BMW lane and posing along at 110 mph enjoying the adulation that the inferior car drivers were giving me, I noticed an inferior car ahead of me which was not only in the BMW lane of my motorway, but was driving at a ridiculous 70 mph!

Naturally, I got within a foot or so of his rear bumper and flashed my headlights to remind him he shouldn't be in the BMW lane of my motorway and to get out of my way.

Of course, once he realised it was a BMW behind him, he did just that, but I could hardly believe it when he pulled straight back out behind me!

He also tried to keep up with me and when he realised I would out-run him, he put on some blue lights in his front grill and urged me to get onto the hard shoulder so that he could congratulate me on my excellent car.

Needless to say, I was eager to oblige and when we had stopped, the man gave me a piece of paper confirming what I already knew - that my car goes fast!

Apparently he wants everyone to know what a superior car I have, so I had to take my drivers licence to a police station to be sent away to have some points put on! (They're not free points either - they're £20 each and I was only allowed 3.) But the man at the police station said that because I drive a BMW, it won't be much longer before I earn the full 12 points, and then I won't even NEED a driving licence, so they will take it off me! :-D

 

Essex girl jokes ....
Probably been done a thousand times before on here , but anyway

" How do Essex girls turn on the light at night ? "

Spoiler: answer

"They open the car door "

BTW - I lived in Vancouver many years ago , and they have the exact same jokes about Burnaby girls .

 

The Doctor said: “The good news is I can cure your headaches…The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your test-icles to press up against the base of your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove your testicles.”

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn’t concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was headache- free for the first time in over 20 years, but he felt as if he was missing an important part of himself.

As he walked down the street he realized he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men’s clothing store and thought, “That’s what I need, a new suit.”

The elderly salesman eyed him quickly and said, “Let’s see, you’re a size 44 long.”Joe laughed and said, “That’s right, how did you know?”“Been in the business 60 years!”

Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the tailor asked, “How about a new shirt?” Joe thought for a moment and then said, “Sure.”

“Let’s see, 16 and a half neck, 34 sleeve.”

Joe was surprised. “How did you know?”

“Been in the business 60 years.” The shirt fitted perfectly.

As Joe looked at himself in the mirror, the salesman said, “You could use new shoes.”

Since Joe was on a roll, he said, “Sure.” The man eyed Joe’s feet and said, “9-1/2E.”

Joe was astonished. “That’s right. How did you know?”
“Been in the business 60 years.” Joe tried on the shoes and they also fitted perfectly.

As Joe walked comfortably around the shop, the salesman asked, “How about new underwear?”
Joe thought for a second and said, “Why not.”

The man stepped back, eyed Joe’s waist and said, “Let’s see, size 36. ”Joe laughed. “Finally I’ve got you! I’ve worn size 32 since I was 18 years old.”

The tailor shook his head. “You can’t wear a size 32. Size 32 underwear would press your testicles against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.”

 

Back in the world of Essex Girl ....

" How many Essex Girls does it take to screw in a lightbulb ? "

Spoiler: Answer

" Essex Girls don't screw in a lightbulb , they screw in a Mondeo "

 

Me: "Squirting isn't real, right? Its just urine, isn’t it?"

Interviewer: “I meant any questions about the job.”

 

My Grandad was a dyslexic baker in the Army.

He used to go in "All Buns Glazing"