83 year old Mr. Jones marries a 60 year old woman, and she worries that he might have a stroke or a heart attack if they have sex. So he goes to a doctor and tells him he needs an examination and a letter saying he's healthy enough for sex. The doctor examines him and finds him to be in great shape, and writes the letter. He shows it to Mr. Jones to see if it's what he needs. It says: Dear Mrs. Jones, Mr. Jones is not only healthy enough to have sex, he could have sex 10 times a day if he wants to. He's as strong and virile as a 23 year old with great stamina. You have nothing to fear. Mr. Jones looks at the letter, pleased at first then frowns slightly. The doctor asks him what's wrong and he answers "Well, could you change it slightly?" "Sure," says the doctor, "what would you like to be different?" "Well, instead of "Dear Mrs. Jones, could you make it say 'To Whom It May Concern'?"
The people I work with are weird, and have started naming food in the staff room fridge: Today I ate a falafel wrap named Wendy...
An old lady reaches her 100th birthday , so the local paper sends a reporter - Reporter : " Congratulations , they tell me you're 100 today " Old Lady : " Yes , that's right " Reporter : " Have you had a telegram from the Queen ? " Old Lady : " Yes " Reporter : " And you've always had good health ? " Old Lady : " Yes I have " Reporter : " So you've never been bed-ridden ? " Old Lady : " Ooh yes , and I've been table-ended as well , but I don't want that in the newspaper " .
He was in ecstasy with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved forwards, then backwards, forward, then backwards again....back and forth ... back and forth ... in and out ... in and out. Her heart was pounding ... her face was flushed ... then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder. Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted..... "Okay, OKAY! I CAN'T park the f**ing car! You do it, you SMUG bastard!"
Fair play to Meghan Markle: Nobody has so successfully broken up a well-established British group since Yoko Ono..
I got collared for buying some stolen kitchen goods in good faith, but it was a whisk I had to take at the time.
My mate’s fat blonde wife complained about the ‘triple chocolate gateaux’ in a posh French restaurant. When the waiter pointed out, “But Madame finished the entire dish!” She replied, “I thought there would be 3 of them...”
Policeman wants to stop a car driven by a very old lady knitting while doing 10mph on the motorway. "Pull over" he shouts through the window. "No, it's a cardigan", she replies.
went to a restaurant last night, i think the bloke on the next table wanted a fight, he threw a prawn cocktail at me and said....”that’s just for starters”!
Anyone into cooking? If you boil a funny bone, do you get laughing stock? I'm trying to be humerus and probably failing.
Chuck Norris is still as hard as nails: He went to a feminist rally at the weekend, and came home with his shirt ironed...
copied and pasted from another site...….. Private Number shows up on my phone; Man on the phone; Hello, (in an Jamaican voice) this is the Social Security Office, how are you Ms. Sullivan? Me; Raheem? Raheem, is that you? Thank goodness! It took you long enough to get back to me, So what did they say about me claiming my husband's disability, especially since I was the one that killed him? Man on the phone; You killed your husband? Me; Yes Raheem, I told you that the last time we spoke and don't worry, they will never find his body, I buried him in the pigpen and you know those things will eat right down to the teeth. So what did they say? Man on the phone; *Clears his throat* Ma'am, this is the social security office and I am calling to inform you that a warrant has been issued for your arrest and.... Me; A warrant!?! - You turned me in? How could you do that, Raheem? I trusted you. We were supposed to run away together, it's your fault he's dead and I will tell them that you put me up to it! I swear I will tell them EVERYTHING! Man on the phone; Ms Sullivan, you have the wrong number I just... Me; How can I have the wrong number, Raheem, you called me. You set me up, didn't you? You thought you would get me sent away and claim all that money for yourself, but you remember this,Raheem... I know where you live and I didn't have no trouble killing my husband of 20 years and I certainly won't have trouble killing a man I have only known for 6 months. What do you think about that? Man on the phone; *Click*
