Ever since Rob was a child, he had a fear of someone under his bed at night. So he went to a Psychiatrist and told him, "I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy." "Just put yourself in my hands for one year", said the psychiatrist. "Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears." "How much do you charge?" 'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the doctor. 'I'll sleep on it and if needed I will come back to you,' Rob said. Six months later he met the Psychiatrist on the street. 'Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked. 'Well, eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A friend cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new SUV". 'Is that so!' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask, did the friend cure you?' 'He told me to cut the legs off the bed - There ain't nobody under the bed now"
A dog lover, whose dog was a female and in heat, agreed to look after her neighbours' male dog while the neighbours were on holiday. She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so frequently happens when dogs mate. Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice. She explained the problem to him, and the vet said, "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing should make the male lose his erection and he will withdraw." "Do you think that will work?" she asked. "It just worked for me," he replied.
After almost 35 years of marriage, my mate now indulges in what can only be described as cross channel ferry sex: Roll on, roll off.
My mate Dave’s grandparents were getting a lot more forgetful in their old age, so Dave made them an appointment to go to the doctor to see if he could help them. After doing a few tests with them the doctor said that the best thing to do was for them to start writing things down so they didn’t forget things. They went home and Dave’s gran asked her husband if he could get her a bowl of ice cream. "You might want to write it down," she said. Dave Snr said, "No, it’s ok, I can remember that you want a bowl of ice cream." Dave’s gran then told her husband she’d like chocolate sprinkles on the ice cream. "Write it down," she told him. Again he said, "No, no, I can remember......you want a bowl of ice cream with chocolate sprinkles on." Then the old lady said to Dave Snr that she’d like a bowl of ice cream with chocolate sprinkles and a cherry on top. "Write it down," she told her husband and again he said, "No, don’t worry, I know you want a bowl of ice cream with chocolate sprinkles and a cherry on top." So off he went to the kitchen get the ice cream........however he was an unusually long time. After an hour he came out to his wife and handed her a plate of bacon and two fried eggs. Dave’s grandma stared at the plate for a moment, then looked at her husband and said, "Where's the toast?"
Trump & Macron visited a boulangerie in Paris & Trump decided to show Macron how clever he was: With a wink, he grabbed 3 croissants whilst the baker's back was turned & stuffed them in his pocket. The baker turned around & asked Macron, "What can I do for you Monsieur?" Macron said, "Give me 3 croissants and I will show you some magic." The baker said, "Ok," and handed over the croissants. Macron ate all 3. The baker then said, "Hey, where's the magic?" Macron replied, "Look in Trump's pocket."
BREAKING NEWS: Harry and Meghan have contacted Tottenham Hotspur to get advice on what it’s like to live without a title.
There are 3 dolls in a man's life. His daughter - Baby doll. His girlfriend - Barbie doll. His wife - Panadol.
Katie Price has released a candle that smells of her vagina. Well I say 'released'. But it would be more accurate to say it just fell out...
My mate Dave bought his wife, Julie, some golf lessons at our local golf club for Christmas. As the weather was quite mild this week she decided to book her first lesson with the club pro for yesterday. When she arrived for her first lesson the pro asked her to take a swing at a ball to see how she'd do. Julie did as she was asked but completely fluffed the shot and missed the ball completely. The pro turned to Julie and said, "OK.....Your swing is good but you're gripping the club too hard. Grip the club gently as you would your husband's penis." Julie took another shot and this time she nailed the ball 275 yards straight down the fairway. "That was excellent!!" said the pro " Now let's try it again, only this time take the club out of your mouth."
I’ve just read Egon Ronay’s shortest restaurant review ever, after he’d tried the Choufleur Fromage Gratin and Oeufs Benedict: "Super cauliflower cheese but eggs were quite atrocious".
Having initially believed they had contained the Coronavirus patients in Merseyside, health experts are baffled by the sharp rise in the number of people in Liverpool trying to get a week off work with it..
My boss said, “This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means??" I replied, “It’s Wednesday?”
Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses £500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up. Michael O'Connor looks around and asks, 'Oh, me boys, someone got's to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?' They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse. 'Discreet? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me.' says Gallagher Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants. Gallagher declares, 'Your husband just lost £500, and is afraid to come home.' 'Well you can feckin' tell him to drop dead!', says Murphy's wife. 'I'll go tell him.' says Gallagher.
One of my colleagues thinks he's found a way of making personal phone calls at work without being spotted:
