Joke Page

After the honeymoon, the new wife tells her husband, “I think it’s time for you to stop playing golf. In fact, you might as well sell all of your clubs.”

The husband replies, “You’re starting to sound like my ex-wife.”

His wife says, “I thought you said you’ve never been married before?”

The husband says, “I haven’t.”

 

"My Dad once bought a car off the Krays"

"What reg?"

"No, it was Ronnie"

 

My grandad died five years ago today.

I'll never forget his last words - "Watch out Ron, that gun's loaded"

 

My uncle used to say " As one door closes, another opens"

He was a nice guy but a terrible cabinet-maker.

 

You should have got him a job as a lift operator!

 

Tim Martin spots a loophole in Bojo's plan

 

A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and
pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.
She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly,
"Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very,
very, closely:
"Are - my - test - results - back?"

 

After my neighbour was rushed into hospital he was put on a new Dyson Ventilator, he's picking up well now.

 

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