I bet the Anne Summers shops will be really busy after the lockdown is over. I’ve heard they’ll be operating on a “first served, first come” basis.
Last time we holidayed in North Norfolk I took a dump in the river that runs through King's Lynn. The locals didn't mind, they said it would come out in the wash...
My house has been broken into and it seems like the burglars have only taken the batteries out of my calculator. It just doesn’t add up.
My mate said his wife told him he had to make sacrifices as they have just had their first child. She wasn’t so keen on that after she came home & saw the pentagram he’d drawn on the kitchen table, and what he’d done to the cat...
My mate said his wife caught him cheating whilst playing Monopoly: She dropped the dice and found him fingering her sister..
I was sorry to hear that the inventor of Tupperware’s funeral was postponed yesterday. They are still trying to find the right lid for his coffin.
Phillip Schofield is hoping to have a steam train named after him: It’s bound to have a tender behind...
Something to think about ; If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you would have £49.00 today. If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you would have £33.00 today. If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you would have £0.00 today. If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in Northern Rock three years ago, you would have £0.00 today. But, if you had purchased £1,000 worth of beer one year ago at Tesco, drank all the beer, then taken the aluminium cans to the scrap metal dealer, you would have received a £214.00. Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle. A recent study found that the average Briton walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found that Britons drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year. That means that, on average, Britons get about 41 miles to the gallon! Makes you proud to be British
A U.S. vicar has died after injecting himself with disinfectant. As a result, Donald Trump has been charged with 'A bleach of the priest'..
I once told my mate Dave that if he held up a shell he could hear the sea. He got 5 years for armed robbery.
An Essex girl is involved in a car crash and is trapped and bleeding. An ambulance soon arrives. Medic: "I'm a paramedic and I'm going to ask you some questions" Girl: "OK." Medic: "What's your name" Girl: "Sharon" Medic:"OK Sharon, where are you bleeding from?" Girl: "Romford"
