There's something iffy about the arrest of Man Utd's captain: Harry Maguire tackling 2 blokes in one night???
True story..... An Army Major Called His Wife To Tell Her That He Would Be Late Coming Home Because Dirty Magazines Had Been Found In The Barracks, And The Soldiers Responsible, Were Facing Serious Disciplinary Action. "The Punishment Sounds A Little Harsh", She Said. "After All, Most Of The Soldiers Have Pictures Of Women On The Walls Of Their Quarters." "No, Honey", He Explained Patiently. "Dirty Magazines Means The Clips From Their Rifles Had Not Been Cleaned Properly."
My mate asked, "What's six inches long, pink and makes my wife moan all day long?! I replied, "I dunno." He said, "Her tongue."
Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Florida, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in. Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?" The pharmacist answers, "Yes." Jacob: "We have a few questions. Do you sell heart medication?" Pharmacist: "Of course we do." Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?" Pharmacist: "All kinds." Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism and scoliosis?" Pharmacist: "Definitely." Jacob: "How about Viagra?" Pharmacist: "Of course." Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?" Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works." Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?" Pharmacist: "Absolutely." Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?" Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes." Jacob: "Thank you." Pharmacist: "If I may ask you a question, why do you want to know all of this?" Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our wedding gift list"
The table service app in our local pub is rubbish: I've been sat waiting in our back garden for hours, and I'm spitting feathers...
Al Capone was visited by Bugsy Malone in his apartment, where's your hot new girlfriend said Bugsy, Oh she's dead said Al, oh, I'm sorry to hear that, what did she die of?, the clap said Al, people don't die of the clap said Bugsy, They do when they give it to me said Al!
I went down to the Patent Office trying to register some of my inventions earlier today. I walked up to the main desk to sign in and the lady pulled out a form to fill out. She asked for my personal info, wrote it down and then asked me what I had invented. I said, 'A folding bottle.' She said, 'Okay. What do you call it?' 'A fottle.' 'What else do you have there?' 'A folding carton.' 'OK, what do you call it?' 'A farton.' She smiled and said, 'Those are silly names for products and one of them sounds a bit crude.' I was so upset by her comment I grabbed the form and left the office without even telling her about my folding bucket
My mate’s wife calls his knob ‘Manchester City’: Because neither have reached a semi for several years...
A 92 year-old man went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm. At his follow up visit the doctor talked to the man and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?" The man replied, "Just doing what you said Doctor, 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful'." "I didn't say that. I said you got a heart murmur. Be careful."......
My mate spent yesterday laying turf in his front garden, but someone stole it last night. He’s been standing outside, looking forlorn..
I was sad to hear that it was the inventor of the dishwasher’s funeral yesterday. Apparently when the coffin was lowered into the ground his wife had it taken back out to be put back in properly.
John Lewis are advertising a bra-fitting event, so I just rang them to see if I could book a front row seat. The snooty woman on the other end of the phone told me to piss off. No wonder they’re losing sales if that’s their attitude...
Man walks into a pub with a crocodile on a lead, goes to the bar and asks for a pint. The barman says “you can’t bring that in here it’s dangerous” So the man says if I can prove he is harmless, I drink for free this evening. So the barman says your on, prove it. So he lifts the croc onto a table, hits the croc on the head and it opens its mouth. He then whips out his dick and puts it into the crocs open gape, hits it on the head and the jaws softly close down. After 2 minutes he hits the croc once more, and the jaws open, calls the barman over and says look not a mark. If anyone here would like a go step forward, all goes quiet, until a little old lady steps through the crowd. Says I would like to have a go young man, but please don’t hit me quite so hard on the head.
