Had a text from my mate: ‘36C and dry’ Apparently he was referring to their holiday weather in Greece, and not to his wife’s boobs & fanny...
My mate Dave who has a stutter was telling us all in the pub about his Nana. By the time he had finished we were all singing 'Hey Jude'.
My mate said his cat has swallowed twenty £1 coins. I told him not to worry, at least he has money in the kitty for the vet's bill...
The wife bought what she thought was a new deep fat fryer from the internet, but she sent it back: Apparently there was a chip in it...
My mate is a Gregg’s lorry driver delivering to Hull, Grimsby and Scunthorpe. He said his maths teacher always told him to take pie to 3 dismal places..
On his 74th birthday, A man got a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.After being persuaded, the man drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man while wondering just exactly what he was in for. The old Indian slowly and methodically produced a potion, handed it to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, "This is powerful medicine and it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful and then you say, '1-2-3. ' When you do that, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want." The man was encouraged. As he walks away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?" "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,' the medicine man responded. "But, when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon." The man was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, He took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes. And then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?" And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition because we could end up with a dangling participle.
