My mate said he remembered the day when Stan Collymore hit a screamer. I told him I thought her name was Ulrika....
I was in my local chinese restaurant last night, when a mallard waddled over to my table and planted a rose at my feet and said “Your eyes sparkle like diamonds” I said to the waiter....”l’m sorry but I asked for aromatic duck”
My friend thinks he can make a living writing jingles for sewing machines. He wants to be a Singer songwriter (or sew it seams)
As they got into bed for the first time, my mate’s new girlfriend said: “Just so you know, I like a lot of foreplay.” My mate shoved her head under the duvet & said: “No problem, you can go at it as long as you want.”
I used to sell Burglar Alarms door to door and I became pretty good at it. If no-one was in, I used to leave a Brochure on the kitchen table
Usain Bolt goes to join a very posh golf club The male receptionist looks him up and down and says "I'm sorry Sir - we don't like tracksuits being worn around here - there's another golf club 15 minutes down the road, try them" "But I'm Usain Bolt - haven't you heard of me ? I'm the fastest runner in the world" "Alright then, it's only 5 minutes away "
A load of snooker equipment was fly tipped near our house recently. Picked most of it up myself. But I'll have to go back for the rest..
Fella lives next door to us, he's a burgler, he has a burgler alarm on his house. I wonder who he stole that from
My mate Dave and his new girlfriend were going to meet his parents in her car when she got a flat tyre. Dave rang his parents and said “Sorry mum, but we’re going to be a bit late. My girlfriend’s got a puncture” “Oh” she sighed “We thought you had a real one this time”
Many people think that crop circles are created by alien spacecraft. But I think they are caused by cereal killers...
Daley Thompson, Tessa Sanderson and Steve Cram are all round at Seb Coe's house for tea. Steve brought the fish, Tessa brought the chips, Daley brought the mushy peas and Seb provided the salt and vinegar. Suddenly there is a knock at the door so Seb gets up to answer. "Who is it?", asks everyone in unison, "It's Fatima wi t'bread."
