The girls all call my mate 'The Terminator'. Not because he's muscular and tough, but he has an oozy nine millimetre...
My mate Dave, bought his wife Julie, 5 litres of Castrol commercial truck lubricant for her birthday. Looking perplexed she asked him what it was........... “Lorry Oil - because you’re worth it.” he replied.
I remember the power cuts of the 70s, and being sent by my parents to the off license where they had candles burning. I always thought candles was a strange name for a cat..
I was watching Jurassic Park last night when I thought not only has my wife got a stupid name but she can’t reverse either.
The blonde secretary in our office came in looking very pleased the other day. She had taken her car to a garage because "The oil in the engine doesn't reach the dipstick." She was delighted that the garage told her they had fixed what they reported was a 'worn out dipstick', and they had fitted a longer one for only £100..
My mate Dave has just submitted an idea to Channel 4 for a programme where 3 aspiring figure skaters complete for a professional contract whilst the losers have to work in a local tip. Working title: One In The Rink, Two In The Stink
Apparently you don't need a parachute to go skydiving. You only need a parachute if you want to go skydiving more than once.
I’ve just bought my epileptic brother a strobe light for Christmas...He’ll have a fit when he sees it!
My mate Dave went to see his boss yesterday for a chat. "Can we talk?” said Dave “I think I have a problem." "A problem? he said “There is no such thing. We call it an opportunity". "Ok” said Dave “I think I have a serious drinking opportunity."
Went to an Indian restaurant last night. After I had ordered, a little old lady came to the table & said: "You are very handsome, and you have lovely manners." Apparently she was a complimentary nan..
My mate Dave was driving a bit lively to work this morning when he was stopped by a traffic cop. He said to Dave, “You were going a bit fast there sir, what would have happened if you had suddenly come across Mister Fog” Dave, being the smart arse he is said, “Well I would have trod on Mister Brake of course” The policeman replied, “I will repeat the question sir, what would have happened if you had suddenly come across Mist or Fog”
My mate Dave had to go to the hospital yesterday. As he drove into a space in the hospital car park a car park attendant approached Dave and said to him “I’m sorry sir but that space is reserved for badge holders only.” “That’s ok then” said Dave “I have got a bad shoulder.”
One of our dogs has just won a place on a canine display team. It wasn't easy, and he had to jump through hoops to get it.
Threw a ball for my dog last night. It's a bit extravagant I know, but it was his birthday & he looks great in a suit.
Russia has offered all western leaders a free dose of their covid 19 vaccine. This will be available from their respective embassies. 100% effective in tests Covichok is ready now.
