Just been reading some tips on walking dogs at night during winter. One of them was: Carry a flash light. More bloody expense! I only have a plain one..
“You’re bloody obsessed with those Star Wars movies” My mate Dave’s wife, Julie, screamed at him last night. “I’ve had enough. I’m leaving you” “May divorce be with you” Dave replied.
2 sheep wandered into the local hotel yesterday: One asked for ram service, and the other was looking for the baaa...
I got a political advent calendar: It's like a normal advent calendar, but there's a dick in number 10.
Juventus say they have no worries about Ronaldo catching coronavirus: He never passes anything to a teammate...
My wife works as a magicians assistant and over time has picked up on some of the magic tricks. I came home from work early the other day and she was in the bedroom. She said,’ abracadabra! Tara!’ and out of the closet jumps my best mate Dave, stark naked. Poor bastard must have been wondering what the fuck was going on!
I asked Tina Turner what is the secret to cooking a turkey perfectly... She said it’s simply the baste.
My Nan once told me that “An apple a day keeps the doctor away” I wonder if it’s true..............or if it’s just another of Granny’s myths?
My mate Dave recently applied to join the band of superheroes, the X Men. In his interview Professor X said “So Dave, what do you think you can bring to the team? What’s your super power?” “Well” said Dave “I have the power of hindsight” “I’m sorry Dave” said Professor X “but I don’t think that will help us in our fight for peace and equality” “Yes” said Dave “I can see that now”
Sponsored a mountain gorilla with the WWF yesterday. The wife went ballistic when it turned up at home this morning.
The wife wanted something from Chanel for Christmas: It was a bugger of a job to wrap 2 used life jackets & a half-inflated dinghy..
