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Joke Page

Discussion in 'Lounge' started by Rudolph Hart, Mar 19, 2012.

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  1. Q. Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?
    A. You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
     
    #821 Rudolph Hart, Dec 20, 2012
    • Like Like x 1
  2. Apparently Tampax is replacing the string on tampons with a piece of tinsel?


    …but just for the Christmas period.
     
    #822 Rudolph Hart, Dec 20, 2012
    • Like Like x 1
  3. If the Mayans are right.

    Today really will be the last day of the DFS sale......
     
    #823 Rudolph Hart, Dec 21, 2012
    • Like Like x 2
  4. When nobody believed Brendan Rogers when he said Liverpool would come second, they didn't catch the end of the sentence

    "...in every game."
     
    #824 efcbluepete, Dec 22, 2012
  5. Why did the baker's hands stink?



    Because he kneaded a poo!
     
    #825 efcbluepete, Dec 22, 2012
  6. My wife said our sex life is getting dull, and she was thinking of getting one of those rabbit things to liven it up a bit. Well I thought there's a good Christmas present idea, so I ordered one online.

    But now I'll have to spend most of saturday building a hutch for the fucking thing.
     
    #826 El Toro, Dec 22, 2012
    • Like Like x 1
  7. I went to the shittest foam party ever last night...There was no music and a massive queue of cars behind me.
     
    #827 El Toro, Dec 22, 2012
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  8. I hate being bi-polar! It's great!
     
    #828 El Toro, Dec 22, 2012
    • Like Like x 2
  9. A German guy approaches one of the ladies of the night.
    'I vish to buy zex vit shoo.'
    'OK,' says the girl, 'I'll charge 50 an hour.'
    '.. Ist gutte, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky, ja?'
    'No problem,' she replies cautiously, 'I can do a little kinky.'
    So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large
    Bedsprings and a duck caller.
    'I vant zat you tie ze springs to each of your Hans und knees.'

    The girl finds this most odd, but complies, fastening the springs
    as he had requested, to her hands and knees..
    'Now you vill get on your hans und knees.'
    She duly does this, balancing precariously on the springs.
    'You vill please to blow zis kwacker as I make love to you.'
    She finds it odd, but figures it's harmless (and after all, the guy
    is Paying!)
    She finds the sex is fantastic, as she is bounced all over the room
    by the energetic German, all the time honking on the duck caller.
    Her climax is the most sensational that she has ever experienced
    and it is several minutes before she has enough breath to say,
    'Wow!!! That was totally amazing, what do you call that position ?'
    'Ah,' says the German . . .'zat is ze ....

    Wait for it ..........



    ??



    ??



    ??



    Four-sprung duck technique!!!
     
    #829 Pixie1276, Dec 22, 2012
    • Like Like x 4
  10. A little girl was taking a shower with her grandma when she pointed down & asked, "What's that?"
    "That's my beaver." Replied Grandma.
    Next day the girl showered with her mum & again pointed down & said, "I know what that is, that's your beaver."
    "How do you know that word?" asked the mother.
    "Grandma told me." Said the girl, "But hers must be dead, because its tongue is hanging out."
     
    #830 Rudolph Hart, Dec 22, 2012
    • Like Like x 1
  11. It's going to be a tricky year for Santa.

    How is he supposed to sneak down the chimney, when everyone's sitting on the roof waiting for the flood water to go down?
     
    #831 El Toro, Dec 24, 2012
    • Like Like x 2
  12. Santa has the floods sussed

    Santa has adapted his mode of transport this year:

    Santa Ski.jpg

    waterski_Santa_low_res2.jpg
     
    #832 Rudolph Hart, Dec 24, 2012
  13. My dyslexic mate is in for trouble tomorrow.

    He's bought his kids a Pony Sleigh Station.
     
    #833 Rudolph Hart, Dec 24, 2012
    • Like Like x 1
  14. Very apt for the party season ! (Warning: Have a wee before watching...)

     
    #834 Borgo Panigale, Dec 24, 2012
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 16, 2014
  15.  
    #835 Borgo Panigale, Dec 24, 2012
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 16, 2014
    • Like Like x 1
  16. Q. What do David Beckham & Ferrero Rocher have in common?

    A. Both come in a Posh box.
     
    #836 Rudolph Hart, Dec 24, 2012
  17. People say it`s very hard to replace not having your children at Christmas but I find cocaine and hookers do a very good job..
     
    #837 El Toro, Dec 24, 2012
  18. A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt.


    Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Rocher.
     
    #838 El Toro, Dec 24, 2012
  19. I was talking to my mate about sex today.

    I said, "Do you have sex with your girlfriend much?"

    He said, "Yeah, at least 3 times a week."

    I said, "Do you ever think about putting it in the other hole?"

    He said, "Yeah, but I don't go through with it."

    I said, "Why not?"

    He said, "I don't want her to get pregnant."

    Lucky bastard!
     
    #839 El Toro, Dec 24, 2012
    • Like Like x 2
  20. Had a few too many last night & ended up eating some of the Christmas decorations.

    I have a really sore throat this morning, the emergency doctor thinks I may have tinselitis.
     
    #840 Rudolph Hart, Dec 25, 2012
    • Like Like x 1
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