Q. Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? A. You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
Apparently Tampax is replacing the string on tampons with a piece of tinsel? …but just for the Christmas period.
When nobody believed Brendan Rogers when he said Liverpool would come second, they didn't catch the end of the sentence "...in every game."
My wife said our sex life is getting dull, and she was thinking of getting one of those rabbit things to liven it up a bit. Well I thought there's a good Christmas present idea, so I ordered one online. But now I'll have to spend most of saturday building a hutch for the fucking thing.
I went to the shittest foam party ever last night...There was no music and a massive queue of cars behind me.
A German guy approaches one of the ladies of the night. 'I vish to buy zex vit shoo.' 'OK,' says the girl, 'I'll charge 50 an hour.' '.. Ist gutte, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky, ja?' 'No problem,' she replies cautiously, 'I can do a little kinky.' So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large Bedsprings and a duck caller. 'I vant zat you tie ze springs to each of your Hans und knees.' The girl finds this most odd, but complies, fastening the springs as he had requested, to her hands and knees.. 'Now you vill get on your hans und knees.' She duly does this, balancing precariously on the springs. 'You vill please to blow zis kwacker as I make love to you.' She finds it odd, but figures it's harmless (and after all, the guy is Paying!) She finds the sex is fantastic, as she is bounced all over the room by the energetic German, all the time honking on the duck caller. Her climax is the most sensational that she has ever experienced and it is several minutes before she has enough breath to say, 'Wow!!! That was totally amazing, what do you call that position ?' 'Ah,' says the German . . .'zat is ze .... Wait for it .......... ?? ?? ?? Four-sprung duck technique!!!
A little girl was taking a shower with her grandma when she pointed down & asked, "What's that?" "That's my beaver." Replied Grandma. Next day the girl showered with her mum & again pointed down & said, "I know what that is, that's your beaver." "How do you know that word?" asked the mother. "Grandma told me." Said the girl, "But hers must be dead, because its tongue is hanging out."
It's going to be a tricky year for Santa. How is he supposed to sneak down the chimney, when everyone's sitting on the roof waiting for the flood water to go down?
People say it`s very hard to replace not having your children at Christmas but I find cocaine and hookers do a very good job..
A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt. Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Rocher.
I was talking to my mate about sex today. I said, "Do you have sex with your girlfriend much?" He said, "Yeah, at least 3 times a week." I said, "Do you ever think about putting it in the other hole?" He said, "Yeah, but I don't go through with it." I said, "Why not?" He said, "I don't want her to get pregnant." Lucky bastard!
Had a few too many last night & ended up eating some of the Christmas decorations. I have a really sore throat this morning, the emergency doctor thinks I may have tinselitis.
