This is a message to whoever stole my glasses......make no mistake I will hunt you down and l will find you. I have contacts!
My mate Dave was sitting with his wife, Julie, in the garden having a drink and contemplating their upcoming 30th wedding anniversary. Then out of the blue Julie reached out and slapped Dave. “What the hell was that for?” asked Dave “That's for 30 years of terrible, boring sex” said Julie Dave didn't know what to say, so he sat there thoughtfully for a bit. Finally he leaned over and slapped her back. “What the hell was that for?” asked Julie “That's for knowing the difference.....” replied Dave
A prostitute told me I could have sex with her for the reduced rate of £10 as she didn't have a womb. When I asked how we would do it she replied, "Over the woad, against those wailings."
I’ve just seen on the news that the publishers of the long awaited book “The history of Sellotape” have just recalled it. Apparently no one can find the beginning.
The wife asked, "Can you make an ornate Italian sink?" I replied, "Sure, I'll tie a brick to his Gucci swimming trunks."
My mate Dave went to see a psychic last week who told him he'd be coming into money. Last night he shagged a lass called Penny - how spooky is that?
After my mate came back from a weekend in Amsterdam, I asked him if he went with a prostitute. He said, “Didn’t need to, they already have loads of them over there.”
My wife once said to me "If anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new".................apparently "anything" doesn't include getting stuck in traffic.
Robert De Niro is set to star in a Hollywood epic about the life of Wayne Rooney: It's called 'The old dear hunter'...
Just about had it with Amazon. Everytime I order chicken pellets & grain, they email three days later asking for their feedback.
Whilst eating dinner the other night with my wife we decided to watch the classic film ‘Dirty Dancing’. Almost immediately she was so engrossed in the film so I sneakily removed the herbs from her plate and put them on to mine... I had the thyme off my wife...
BREAKING: A van carrying emeralds, rubies and diamonds crashed this morning... Traffic police are telling motorists to avoid the jewel carriageway..
My general rule with having sex with overweight women is: If you have to lift things to get to other things, they're too fat.
i worked as a roofer when i was 16 and the gaffer caught me wanking , but he said its ok we can wipe the slate clean !!
things are bad at the moment, for everyone i was speaking to my mate Dave the other day, he struggles to get work as he still sees a lot of discrimination, as he has dwarfism !! He really is struggling to put food on the table
