In their divorce settlement, Melinda Gates will be getting the house. But Bill is keeping the Windows...
My mate said he got a new car for his mother-in-law. I wasn't aware a scrappage scheme had been introduced...
The school head teacher phoned me yesterday and said “I’m sorry to have to tell you but we’ve had to suspend your son from school for telling lies” “Well” I replied “Tell him he’s very good. I haven’t got any kids”
Whilst having a drink in the pub garden with a few mates, I noticed a girl with a spectacular figure. When she turned round I saw how ugly she was, but I couldn't stop staring at her body. After returning from taking a leak, there was a note on the table that read, "I noticed you looking at me. Here's my number if you would like to call me." Next to the number was written 'Horseface'. I thought she must have a great sense of humour if she uses that as a nickname so I composed a text saying, "Hi Horseface. I'd like to meet up. Just name the time & place." Just as I pressed send, my mate sat down next to me. He said, "Bloody hell, you haven't replied to that have you? I even wrote 'Horseface' next to the number so you would know it was from that ugly girl."
I bought a book on Amazon called An Encyclopedia of Adhesives and they asked me to write a review. I said 'This is a book l found hard to put down '.
Definition of a wise cannibal: The man who got married, and at the reception he toasted his mother in law.
My mate Dave told me he was late for work yesterday, so he had to run for the bus…….but he just missed it. However the traffic was heavy so he ran after it hoping to get it at the next stop…….but he missed it again. This happened a few more times and before he knew it he’d had run all the way to work and saved himself £4.50. On the way home he decided to run behind a taxi and saved himself £19
Got into a right mess trying to pull my jumper over my head after the buttons wouldn't undo. I'm now in A&E waiting to see a cardy-ologist...
Scotsman: "That your dog?" Welshman: "Aye" Scotsman: "Mind if I speak to him?' Welshman: "Dog don't talk.” Scotsman: Hey dog, how's it going?" Dog: "Doing all right." Welshman: (look of shock) Scotsman: Is this your owner?" (Pointing at the Welshman) Dog: "Yep." Scotsman: How's he treating you?" Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the park once a week to play." Welshman: (Look of total disbelief!) Scotsman: "Mind if I talk to your horse?" Welshman: "Horse don't talk.” Scotsman: "Hey horse how's it going?" Horse: "Cool." Welshman: (Extreme look of shock!) Scotsman: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing to the Welshman) Horse: "Yep." Scotsman: "How's he treating you?" Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking, he rides me, brushes me down often and keeps me in a nice stable to protect me from the weather." Welshman: (Look of total amazement!) Scotsman: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?" Welshman: "That sheep's a fucking liar!!”
I used to have a girlfriend who was a bus conductor. After a session in the pub with the lads on a Friday night, I would always get on her bus & ask for a 10p wank. Fair play to her, she waited until all the passengers had left & then she took my 10p & tossed me off at the last stop.
Q. Why do women make such talented archeologists? A. Because they have always been good at digging up stuff from the past..
My mate Dave told his Work Coach at the local Job centre that he’d like to be Captain of a submarine. “Overseas?” said the Work Coach “No” said Dave “That would be a Hovercraft”
People who eat Cadbury's chocolate are always optimistic. Because they are glass and a half full people....
