A local restaurant is celebrating their re-opening by offering 3 courses of badger. Must be a sett menu...
I recently got rid of all my Dusty Springfield records and memorabilia, but now I just don't know what to do with my shelf...
My mate Dave’s dad, Dave Snr who’s 85 years old, always wanted a pair of soft spike golf shoes, so seeing some for sale at the golf club shop, he bought them. He was so delighted with his new shoes, he decided to wear them around the house to show his wife, Margaret. Walking proudly into the kitchen he said to his wife "Have you noticed anything different about me? Margaret looked him over and replied, "Nope” Dave Snr stormed off into the bathroom, undressed, and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for his new golf shoes. Again he asked Margaret "Notice anything different NOW?" Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan response, "David, nothing’s different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow.” Furious, Dave Snr shouts "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?" “Nope. Not a clue", she replied. "IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW GOLF SHOES!” “Well…..” said Margaret "You should have bought a new hat."
My mate's lad asked if I could help him with an essay for school about the occupation of Palestine. All I could say was that to the best of my knowledge, I thought it was fishing...
Went to the seaside today. It was appalling. A couple were having a domestic, a Policeman turned up and beat the shit out of them. The man dropped their baby. Then out of nowhere a crocodile showed up and nicked the sausages.
My mate has just formed a band and they've called themselves Prevention. He reckons they're better than The Cure..
My mate Dave's wife, Julie, went to the doctors yesterday. "What seems to be the problem Julie?" asked the Doctor. "Well doctor, this is a bit embarrassing" said Julie "I think something is terribly wrong. I keep finding postage stamps from Costa Rica in my vagina." The Doctor asked Julie to lay on the couch and take off her underwear so he could take a look. After a cursory examination the doctor chuckled and said to Julie "Those aren't postage stamps my dear, they're the stickers off the bananas"
The wife says she wants to eat something really exotic & wildly expensive on our wedding anniversary: She's having a giraffe...
Gareth Southgate has confirmed that Harry Kane won't have to self isolate as he didn't get anywhere near the ball or a Scottish defender all match
Just took my sock off and it's full of chocolate, biscuit and raisins: I think I may have a club foot...
My mate Dave was telling me how he hated backgammon and draughts. I said "Hate chess too?" "Don't even get me started on that high-speed rail project." said Dave
The Highways Agency have replaced the reflective studs with real diamonds in the cat's eyes on a road near us. It's now a jewel carriageway...
I said to my mate Dave “I’ve not seen you all day, what have you been up to?” “Well my old boss passed away so I went to the funeral to honour him.” said Dave, “I bought a 20 year old bottle of Scottish and poured it over his grave……….Just after I’d filtered it through my kidneys”
Watched some donkeys playing football the other day. Wasn't much of a game, as they just kept hoofing it up the field. Nuno seemed quite happy though...
How is it that a woman can argue for hours, yet 5 minutes into a blow job she will complain that her jaw aches??
