My mate Dave has just won a holiday in Ibiza for him and three friends, plus £4,000 spending money! He asked me if I was free the last two weeks in August and I said that I was... The bastard wants me to put his bins out!
My mate calls his new girlfriend 'The carpenter's dream': She's flat as a board and easy to screw....
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream van hadn't come along."
Just been watching the ladies weightlifting from the Olympics. Apparently the British girl has a lovely clean snatch...
My mate Dave went on a blind date last weekend. "Do you have any hobbies?" he asked her "I love yoga," she smiled. "Me too!" said Dave. "Can you give yourself oral sex?" "No?" she replied. "Can you do it?" Dave said, "Ok then, take your knickers off!"
Had a text from the blonde who recently moved in next door: 'Any chance you can help to fix the awful condensation problem in my kitchen? Pop round any time, the kettle is always on.'
A couple of weeks ago I noticed my credit card was missing. I finally tracked it down yesterday. The kids next door stole it to pay for their mums boob job…… Just wait till I get my hands on them!!
There is a difference between having guts and having balls: Having guts is arriving home late after a night out with the lads, being met by your wife with the broom, and having the guts to ask, "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?" Having balls is coming home after a night out with the lads, reeking of perfume & beer, having lipstick on your face & collar. Then slapping your wife on the arse & shouting, "Roll over fatty, you're next!"
Reports are coming in from farms around Merseyside that outlines of the Liverpool Manager's face are being spotted in wheat fields. The Echo newspaper claims there have been over 20 reports of Klopp circles in the last month..
My mate Dave rushed home from work yesterday and dragged his wife, Julie, into the bedroom. He then threw her on the bed, and pulled the quilt over them. Julie was shocked as Dave hadn’t been like this for over 20 years. “Look” said Dave “my new watch glows in the dark”
Dear Jeff Bezos, based on your recent activities you may also be interested in Mars, Venus and Pluto...
Newsflash: The Afghan army surrendered so quickly, they have all been offered honorary French citizenship.
The devil is in the details… During a church service, the pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. Suzie stood and walked to the podium. She said, “Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle accident and his scrotum was crushed.” There was a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation. “Phil was unable to hold me or the children,” she went on, “and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and they were able to reconstruct the crushed remnants of Phil’s scrotum, using wire to reinforce and shape it.” The men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably. “Now,” she announced in a quivering voice, “thank the Lord, Phil is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely.” All the men sighed with relief. The pastor rose and asked if anyone else had something to say. A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, “I’m Phil.” The entire congregation held its breath... “I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum.”
I can't stop speaking with an Italian accent when I order takeaway from the local pizzeria. I have a disorder..
I asked the librarian if she could recommend an author who wrote authoritative books about dinosaurs. "Try Sarah Topps," she replied...
Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them." Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?" "No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts, "Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!" Although impressed, Dave's boss is still sceptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says. "President Trump" his boss quickly retorts. "Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington," and off they go. At the White House, Trump spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a beer first and catch up." Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else. "Pope Francis," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome. Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?" His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw... you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the hell is that on the balcony with Dave?'
