My mate is setting up his own band, and he asked if I knew where he could pick up a cheap bass. I said, "Try Kabul. The Americans have abandoned theirs."
The man who invented the ferris wheel never met the man who invented the carousel: They moved in different circles...
A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis only to find a British soldier selling regimental ties. The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?" The soldier replied, "There is no water, the well is dry. Would you like to buy a tie instead? They are only £5." The Taliban shouted, "You idiot infidel! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!" "OK," said the soldier, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that, and that I am a much better human being than you. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find our Sergeant's Mess. It has all the ice cold water you need. Inshallah." Cursing him, the Taliban staggered away over the hill. Several hours later he staggered back, collapsed with dehydration & rasped: "They won't let me in without a fucking tie!”
Whenever I tell my wife that I've bought a new motorbike, I always take both of her hands in mine. That way she can't hit me...
I got my wife a big black vibrating dildo for her birthday. She just glared at me and said, "Is this a windup ?" "No, if you look closely it's battery powered you idiot!"
The wife was getting dressed up for a night out with her mates, when she walked into the lounge and asked me to rate her. "8 or 9 at least!" I said. "Out of 10?" she smiled. "Thanks, Babe, I'm flattered." Didn't have the heart to tell her I meant pints!
BREAKING NEWS: In the pursuit of greener and more eco friendly transport solutions for the future Scientists have developed a car that can run on parsley. They are now attempting to develop a train that can run on thyme!
My mate likes his women like Arsenal's back four: Slow, defenceless and easy to penetrate round the back..
An optimist thinks the glass is half full. A pessimist thinks the glass is half empty. An opportunist drinks both glasses whilst the other 2 are arguing.
Show Business FACT: Comedy legend Frank Carson died of exhaustion, following a visit to a Jacob's factory.
My mate asked, "Have you ever done anything really stupid when you were drunk?" I replied, "Yeah, that blonde barmaid from the Horse & Jockey."
I said to my mate Dave “Did you know there are twenty seven bones in your hand?” “There’s twenty eight when I’m lonely” said Dave
Apparently, the latest craze amongst teenagers is to throw baked beans against people's houses. I hope they don't start throwing Alphabetti Spaghetti, that could spell trouble...
I’ve just read on the BBC website that Elton John wanted to send his friends an invite to his house for a fancy evening party but couldn't find the right phrase... Soiree seems to be the hardest word.
