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Joke Page

Discussion in 'Lounge' started by Rudolph Hart, Mar 19, 2012.

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  1. #841 wroughtironron, Dec 25, 2012
  2. #842 mattmccabebrown, Dec 26, 2012
  3. #843 wroughtironron, Dec 26, 2012
  4. As a son I was taught so much by both my parents -
    I learned how to cook, clean, launder and iron
    from my dad
    and my mum taught me
    how to confound stereotypical assumptions
    about gender roles.
     
    #844 Pete1950, Dec 28, 2012
    • Like Like x 1
  5. "Excuse me," I said to the woman sat in front of me on the bus, "You have some semen on the back of your jacket "


    "I'm sure it's not semen," she said, "It's probably yoghurt."


    "It's definitely semen," I said, "I don't ejaculate yoghurt."
     
    #845 El Toro, Dec 28, 2012
    • Like Like x 4
  6. HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN:

    1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned
    laundry hamper according tolights and darks.

    2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If
    you see your husband along the way, cover up any
    exposed areas.

    3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror--make
    mental note?must do more sit-ups.

    4. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth,leg
    cloth, long loofah,wide loofah and pumice stone.

    5. Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Sage shampoo
    with 43 added vitamins.

    6. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

    7. Condition your hair with Grapefruit Mint
    conditioner enhanced with natural avocado oil. Leave
    on hair for fifteen minutes.

    8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub
    for ten minutes until red.

    9. Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa
    Cake body wash.

    10. Rinse conditioner off hair (you must make sure
    that it has all come off).

    11. Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini
    area but decide to get it waxed instead.

    12. Scream loudly when your husband flushes the
    toilet and you lose the water pressure.

    13. Turn off shower.

    14. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray
    mold spots with Tilex.

    15. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a
    small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent second
    towel.

    16. Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit,
    tweeze hairs.

    17. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and
    towel on head.

    18. If you see your husband along the way, cover up
    any exposed areas and then sashay to bedroom to spend
    an hour and a half getting dressed.


    HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN:



    1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the
    bed and leave them in a pile.

    2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your wife
    along the way, shake willy at her making the
    "woo-woo" sound.

    3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck
    in your gut to see if you have pecs (no). Admire the
    size of your willy in the mirror and scratch your
    ass.

    4. Get in the shower.

    5. Don't bother to look for a washcloth (you don't
    use one).

    6. Wash your face.

    7. Wash your armpits.

    8. Blow your nose in your hands, then let the water
    just rinse it off.

    9. Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the
    shower.

    10. Majority of time is spent washing your privates
    and surrounding area.

    11. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs
    on the soap bar.

    12. Shampoo your hair (do not use conditioner).

    13. Make a shampoo Mohawk.

    14. Peek out of shower curtain to look at yourself in
    the mirror again.

    15. Pee (in the shower).

    16. Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to
    notice water on the floor because you left the curtain
    hanging out of the tub the whole time.

    17. Partially dry off.

    18. Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles.
    Admire willy size again.

    19. Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the
    floor.

    20. Leave bathroom fan and light on.

    21. Return to the bedroom with towel around your
    waist. If you pass your wife, pull off the towel,
    shake willy at her, and make the "woo-woo" sound
    again.

    22. Throw wet towel on the bed. Take 2 minutes to
    get dressed again
     
    #846 Rudolph Hart, Dec 29, 2012
  7. Our local video shop was having a sale of old titles.

    I asked the man how much it would cost to buy a copy of 'Bambi'. He said, "£20."

    I said, "That's a little dear."
     
    #847 Rudolph Hart, Dec 29, 2012
    • Like Like x 1
  8. With all the double entendres used in naming Bond girls such as Pussy Galore, Plenty O'Toole and Holly Goodhead,

    It's quite a coincidence that the real name of one of the Bond actors was Roger Moore!
     
    #848 El Toro, Dec 29, 2012
  9. Delia Versus the Real
    Women...
    ​
    Delia Smith is a TV cook in the UK. She has programs that offer handy hints for housewives. These are the 'Real Womens' answers to her handy hints....

    Delia's Way 1
    ​
    Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.

    The Real Women's Way ​
    Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for God's sake. You are
    probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway.

    Delia's Way 2 ​
    To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.

    The Real Women's Way ​
    Buy Smash mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.

    Delia's Way 3

    When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking tin, use bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.


    The Real Women's Way

    Tesco's sell cakes. They even do decorated versions.

    Delia's Way 4

    If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a potato slice.

    The Real Women's Way

    If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that's tough luck.
    Please recite with me the Real Women's motto: "I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes."

    Delia's Way 5

    Wrap celery in aluminium foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.

    The Real Women's Way

    It could keep forever. Who eats it?

    Delia's Way 6

    Brush some beaten egg white over piecrust before baking to yield beautiful glossy finish.

    The Real Women's Way

    Tesco's frozen pie directions do not include brushing any egg white over the crust so I don't do that.


    Delia's Way 7

    Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.

    The Real Women's Way

    Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and drop it in 8 ounces of tequila. Drink the tequila. You might still have the headache, but who cares?

    Delia's Way 8

    If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.

    The Real Women's Way

    Forget the gloves. Use that gadget you keep in front of the TV. Otherwise what's the point of having him?


    And finally the most important tip - Delia's Way 9

    Freeze leftover wine into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.

    The Real Women's Way

    Leftover wine?? Hello!!
     
    #849 Rudolph Hart, Dec 29, 2012
    Last edited: Dec 29, 2012
    • Like Like x 1
  10. I went to the bank to ask for a loan. The Banker said, "Tell me your annual income, grossly?"

    So I said, "About £20,000, you bastard."
     
    #850 El Toro, Dec 29, 2012
  11. Someone asked me earlier "what time do Aston Villa kick off?"

    I replied "oh every 15 minutes or so."
     
    #851 El Toro, Dec 29, 2012
    • Like Like x 2
  12. We dropped in to the mother in law's this morning to find she had just baked some rolls.

    She insisted I try one & whilst I ate it she asked, "If I baked these commercially how much do you think I would get for them?"

    Without looking up I replied, "About ten years."
     
    #852 Rudolph Hart, Dec 29, 2012
    • Like Like x 1
  13. If you cook alphabet spaghetti on the stove & leave it unattended, it could spell disaster.
     
    #853 Rudolph Hart, Dec 29, 2012
    • Like Like x 2
  14. A male elephant is standing in the jungle minding his own business...

    200m away, a big cat is moving silently through the jungle looking for something to eat when he see the elephant and sneaks carefully up to him.

    When he gets 50m away the big cat starts running and hurtles up to the elephant before biting off his cock in 2 bites.

    The elephant turns to the big cat and says "What did you do that for?"

    The big cat says "Because I'm a 2 litre jaguar"
     
    #854 Dave Owen, Dec 30, 2012
    • Like Like x 3
  15. What's the difference between saint Alex Ferguson and God?




    God doesn't think he's Fergie.
     
    #855 efcbluepete, Dec 30, 2012
  16. A Brummie goes to Ground Zero in New York one year after 9/11. Whilst there, he sees a fireman paying his respects. The Brummie says to him, "There were a lot of people that were very proud of what you guys did."

    "Thanks, buddy," the fireman replies.
    "You lot were bloody brave," the Brummie says.
    "Thanks. Where are you from anyhow?" the fireman asks.
    ... "Birmingham," he replies.
    "Birmingham? What state's that in?" asks the fireman.

    The Brummie looks around and replies, "About the same as this really..."
     
    #856 El Toro, Dec 31, 2012
    • Like Like x 1
  17. I was on the M25 dying for a pee so I said to Siri, "Find me the nearest toilet"

    30 minutes later, I was in Brixton.
     
    #857 Rudolph Hart, Dec 31, 2012


  18. visuals ...
     
    #858 kope999R, Dec 31, 2012
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 16, 2014
    • Like Like x 1
  19. Q. Did you hear about the dyslexic man who went out to buy maps?

    A. He came back with a tin of spam.
     
    #859 Rudolph Hart, Dec 31, 2012
  20. Q. How can you tell when your girlfriend is getting fat?

    A. When she can fit into your wife's clothes?
     
    #860 Rudolph Hart, Dec 31, 2012
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