Before we get to Movember if anyone wants to sponsor me to eat triangular Swiss chocolate next month I’m doing Octoblerone.
I saw my mate Dave in the pub and said to him “I bumped into your wife, Julie, yesterday." "Oh yeah” said Dave “where?" "You know the cafe opposite that Swingers club in town?" I replied "Yes." said Dave "Opposite that cafe!"
Last night I took the new blonde from work to a club where you have to show evidence of a negative test to get in. She turned up with a copy of the letter confirming she had failed her 11 Plus..
My mate Dave was in a clothes shop and picked out a really nice shirt, then went over to the woman standing by the changing rooms. "Mind if I try it on?" Dave asked. "No, go ahead." she replied “Thanks” said Dave “You've got great tits, fancy a shag?"
My mate Dave asked me if I was hungry. I said I wouldn’t mind a snack, so he gave me a peach. I told him I would have preferred a pear. So he gave me another peach.
Six months ago my mate ordered a book called 'How to make a fortune through online scamming'. He says he's still waiting for it to arrive...
Paddy tripped over at home & cut his head open, so he called his health insurance company. They said they thought he was a moron & they consider that a pre-existing condition, so he's not covered.
My mate Dave said to his wife, Julie last night "We’ve been invited to a swingers party on Saturday night, what do you think?" "I am well up for that, sounds great!" she replied. "Great," said Dave "I'll ring your Dad back now then and let him know we are coming!"
I've finally reached the pump at my local Esso petrol station. You should see the queues. It has taken over an hour and I'm getting emotional… I'm starting to fill up here…..
That moment when you slide the condom on and look at yourself in the mirror with a raging hardon... Then you tell the chemist "I’ll take it!"
I’ve just been banned from my support group for people sexually attracted to buildings. I'm feeling a little flat now.
I’d arranged to meet my mate Dave in town yesterday. When he finally got to the pub he said "Sorry I didn't get here earlier, I was at a lecture about parallelograms with four equal sides". “Rhombus?" I asked “No” said Dave “It was the right bus, it was just 10 minutes late."
At the birth of their new son my mate's wife said, "What shall we call him?" My mate said, "Let's call him Rich." His wife said, "What's it short for?" My mate replied, "Because it's a baby you daft cow!"
