I’m trying to learn how to be a more sensitive lover so I downloaded a video from the internet called "How To Improve Your Foreplay Technique". I have to say it was really good. I had to fast forward though the boring bit at the beginning obviously. I mean, I don’t know why they bothered with that.
I’ve just seen on the BBC news that a red and blue ship have collided in the Atlantic Ocean. Apparently the survivors are marooned.
When I was little we were so poor that on my 6th birthday my mum put 3 candles on a cake and put it in front of a mirror!
The government advises shopping early for Christmas this year, because of supply issues. That means 23rd December for most men.....
I'm looking forward to Adele's album "49" including the hits "Do you ever fucking listen?", "It's here in the drawer where I told you it was", "Is it hot in here or is it just me?", and "What's for tea?"
I was the first person to ever install a trampoline on a musician’s tour bus. Now everyone’s jumping on the band wagon!
Rich was talking to his buddy at the bar, and he said, "I don't have a clue what to get my wife for her birthday - she has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stumped." His buddy said, "I have an idea - why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it - she'll probably be thrilled." So that's what Rich did. The next day at the bar his buddy said, "Well? Did you take my suggestion?" "Yes, I did," said Joe. "Did she like it?" His buddy asked. "Oh yes! she jumped up , thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling "I'll be back in an hour!!"
Whenever my mate Dave’s wife, Julie, sends him to the supermarket to buy a cucumber he also buys some Vaseline so the cashier doesn’t think he’s a vegan.
The BBC news has just reported that the man who first introduced men and women playing tennis together in a foursome died yesterday. RIP Mick Stubbles
Q. What has 200 legs, no teeth and stinks of stale piss? A. The front row at a Cliff Richard concert.
My mate sent a text that read: 'My 3 favourite things are eating my girlfriend and not using commas'.
