My mate Dave found it really hard to break up with his optician girlfriend. Every time he told her he couldn't see her any more she moved a bit closer and said, "How about now?"
An old lady is being examined by a doctor who asks her: "Have you ever been bedridden?" The old lady smiles and says: "I certainly have, and I've been table ended and back skuttled a few times too!"
My mate Dave went to Specsavers for an eye test yesterday. The optician said to Dave “Look through the lens on this machine and tell me what you see.." “Well” Dave replied “I can see a man eating a bat, pubs, shops and businesses closed and people wearing face masks" “That’s fantastic” said the optician “You've got 2020 vision”
My mate called me & said his computer keeps making monotonous whining noises. I went round & found the problem straight away. It's A Dell....
My mate Dave was on Who Wants to be a Millionaire last week and was doing really well. He got to £250,000 and still had all his lifelines. “OK Dave” said Jeremy “for £500,000 which of the following was one of the Great Train Robbers was it: Ronnie Biggs Ronnie O'Sullivan Ronnie Corbett Ronnie Wood Take your time…..” “I'll take the money Jeremy” said Dave “Are you sure Dave,” said Jeremy “you've still got 3 lifelines you know” “I'm sure Jeremy, I'll take the money.” replied Dave “OK audience,” said Jeremy “give him a big round of applause, but before you go I'm sure you'd like to know the answer.” “I know the answer Jeremy.” said Dave “You know the answer?” said Jeremy “but you've just turned down half a million pounds…..are you mad? Are you mental?” “I may be mental Jeremy” replied Dave “but I'm no grass.”
Last night my mate Dave met up with a woman he met on Tinder. After about 5 minutes Dave said "I couldn't believe my luck when I saw your profile, we share the same hobby." "It was a typo" she said, "I'm really into walking, now please pull your trousers up."
This years novelty Prince Andrew Christmas Advent Calendar has been scrapped due to a design fault… Apparently, only the flaps from 12-16 would open!
I walked past the YMCA yesterday & saw a lad outside stroking a duck. I said, "Young man, there's no need to feel down.."
My mate said the decision was very close in the dungaree-wearing competition at his workplace. But he ended up as overall winner..
Bill Gate's will has been revealed recently. Apparently one section deals with end of life if attached to a life support machine - if he passes away staff have been instructed to turn the machine off. . .wait a few seconds.. then turn it back on again..
I'm going to log off the forum for a bit and then when I log back on again I’ll be wearing a padded envelope… I'll be back in a jiffy!
