My mate Dave has bought his wife some Meatloaf knickers for Christmas. On the front it says, "I will do anything for love." On the back it says, "But I won't do that!"
The wife was in the kitchen cooking me bacon and eggs when I suddenly heard a loud thud. Running in I found her collapsed on the floor not breathing. I was in a blind frenzy, I had no idea what to do... ……… Then I remembered, Wetherspoons do an all day breakfast for just £3.99!
I was watching a programme on Television last night where JK Rowling talking about the 20th anniversary of Harry Potter... I don't think anyone has milked a small wizard this much since Debbie Magee!
"What do we want?" "Justice for Jimmy Savile's victims!" "When do we want it?" "Now then, now then, now then.."
My wife asked me to go and get 6 cans of Sprite from the supermarket… Only when I got home I realised I had picked 7 Up!
I have a 1982 copy of the TV and Radio Times, if anyone wants to know what's on television this Christmas.
A man went to see his doctor & showed the 18 inch hole in his arse to the GP, explaining that he'd been bummed by an elephant. "There's no way an elephant's knob would cause a hole that big!" Exclaimed the GP. The man replied, "He fingered me first..."
We’ve not had Xmas yet and retailers are already thinking beyond that! It’s 13 weeks until Pancake Day and already the shops are selling flour and eggs!
I once showed an American colleague, who was over on a business conference, the sights. "Wow," he said. "I can't believe how small and compact everything is. Your cars, your buildings, your TV's even your food portions." Then I introduced him to my wife. That fucking shut him up!
Yesterday I went for a check up at the local Fertility Clinic and the nurse said to me immediately said “I can see exactly what’s wrong” “How?” says I “Well” she said “you’ve just come through the back door”
A dating site has been launched for well-endowed men, it's called 7 inches or Better. The site has already attracted over 60,000 women and 70,000 liars.
Climate change must be getting serious: I heard on the radio that there are now only 2 beetles and 1 monkey left in the world...
Went out for a Christmas meal last night and the serviettes started singing, “Chestnuts roasting on an open fire…” Turns out it was 'Napkin Cole'...
Eyelashes are designed to keep things out of your eyes. Yet 95% of the time that something gets in your eye, it's a fecking eyelash...
