N V B K I T H E K L O P F I N V E N T O R Z S F O F T H E E F G H J I O L P L Y Q W O R D S E A R C H H A S J P O D I E D G W
I used to shave my testicles with a razor blade. But since I was diagnosed with Parkinson’s disease I don’t have the balls to do it anymore.
When I drive the voice on the satnav says things like, 'Turn left in 100yards, then double back at the next roundabout'. When I let my wife drive it just says, 'Make peace with your God, now'.
There was a really fit bird in the gym earlier, so I thought I would get chatting to her. I said, "What's your new year's resolution?" She said, "Fuck you!" Result! I can't fucking wait for January!
The John O' Groats football team's coach driver has resigned after their heavy defeat in a friendly away at Land's End. When asked why, he said he'd taken them as far as he could !!
My son got fired from the local fish n chip shop, I stormed down there demanding to know why. The manager said he'd caught him with the potato peeler up his arse. Bemused, I asked to see the potato peeler, the manager said, "I sacked him as well!"
I think my wife has started to show the first signs of Alzheimers… She said she can't remember what she ever saw in me!
Fuel prices have hit an all time low in Liverpool today, as scousers are driving off without paying..
I went to the doctors this morning and I said, "I feel like I've got some cutlery stuck in my throat." The doctor had a look and said, "It's not serious, you just need to have utensils taken out!"
"Do you remember what day today is?" asked my wife. "Of course" I replied, "...Happy Valenbirthsary.”
I've just set up a new business installing sound systems. If you’ve got a minute to fill in this questionnaire I would welcome feedback
My mate started the Christmas season in style last night, with a piss up and a punch up. Apparently, he won't be welcome at his kid's primary school nativity play next year...
After splitting up with his wife my mate Dave decided to get back out on the dating circuit so he decided to try on-line dating and joined www.match.com. Last night he had his first date with a woman whose online profile said she had an 'infectious smile'. Turned out she had cold sores........
I went in the kitchen and the salt said hello, the pepper said morning and the nutmeg said hiya. Turns out it was Seasons Greetings
My mate bought his 6-year old son a jigsaw last Christmas. Huge mistake; he'd cut all his little sister's fingers off before breakfast time..
I couldn’t find the thingy that peels the potatoes and the carrots, so I asked the kids… Apparently, she left me two days ago!
News headline: Germany attacks UK over Omicron. Because attacking Britain has worked so well for them in the past....
