20 second covid test : Put one finger in your mouth and one up your ass count too 10 and swap fingers and if you can’t smell or taste the difference isolate !
A woman whose husband often came home drunk decided to cure him of the habit. One Halloween night, she put on a devil suit and hid behind a tree to intercept him on the way home. When her husband came by, she jumped out and stood before him with her red horns, long tail, and pitchfork. "Who are you?" He asked. "I'm the Devil." She replied. "Well, come on home with me." He said. "I married your sister."
There was a really beautiful girl in the gym earlier, so my mate Dave thought he would get chatting to her. Dave said, "Hi, so what's your new year's resolution?" She said, "Fuck you!" “Result!” said Dave “I can't fucking wait for January!”
I bought a blow up doll last week and I must admit it's just like the real thing... ……..it won't suck me off, it can't cook and it won't clean the house!
Santa hit hard times, so he tried to sell Dasher and Prancer on eBay. But nobody bid for them because they were two deer...
Somerset rogue builder Mark Buck has been imprisoned for his crimes of fraud. During their interview meeting, the prison warden said, "Your nine years will be easy if you obey the rules and behave." "What do you mean nine years?" Said Buck. "The judge sentenced me to five years." "Ah, yes." Said the warden. "That was just the estimate..."
My wife said to me that obesity was in her genes. I told her that that couldn’t be true, as she looks fat in a skirt as well.
My big headed boss said to me, "I bet you can't see your dick when you look down in the shower." "No, just the top of your wife's head." I replied.
A couple having marital problems went to see a marriage counsellor. The counsellor, in an attempt to find some common ground from which to begin his analysis said, "Tell me about anything the two of you have in common." The husband said, "Well, neither one of us sucks dicks!"
A former estate agent is now writing obituaries for the local paper. A recent post read: 'Charles Higginbotham 76, passed away peacefully last Tuesday. He leaves a wife, two children, a spacious 3-bed semi with ⅓ acre and off-street parking'.
I've just got my son a flat piece of cardboard for Christmas. Although what the daft sod wants with an ex box I'll never know.
This years novelty Prince Andrew Christmas Advent Calendar has been scrapped due to a design fault… Apparently, only the flaps from 12-16 would open!
My new girlfriend said that I was terrible in bed… I said that it was unfair to make a judgment in less than a minute!
Warning: Do not drink and wrap presents... Unrelated, but if anyone gets a remote control for Christmas, I'm going to need that back!
