1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Joke Page

Discussion in 'Lounge' started by Rudolph Hart, Mar 19, 2012.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
Page 44 of 470
  1. a man needs a woman to come home to
    a man needs a woman to be passionate with
    a man needs a woman to mother his children
    a man needs a woman to talk to

    to be succesfull it is of the most importance that htede woman never meet...
     
    #861 kope999R, Dec 31, 2012
  2. Notes for the Milkman

    Provided by a friend who is the son of a retired milkman:

    Dear milkman:
    I've just had a baby, please leave another one.
    ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------

    Please leave an extra pint of paralysed milk.

    ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- -------

    Cancel one pint after the day after today.
    ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------

    Please don't leave any more milk. All they do is drink it.
    ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -

    Milkman, please close the gate behind you because the birds keep pecking the tops
    off the milk.
    ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ------

    Milkman, please could I have a loaf but not bread today.
    ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ------

    Please cancel milk. I have nothing coming into the house but two sons on the dole.
    ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ------

    Sorry not to have paid your bill before, but my wife had a baby and I've been carrying it around in my pocket for weeks.
    ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------

    Sorry about yesterday's note. I didn't mean one egg and a dozen pints, but the other way round.
    ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------

    When you leave my milk knock on my bedroom window and wake me because I want you to give me a hand to turn the mattress.
    ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -

    Please knock. My TV's broken down and I missed last night's Coronation Street .. If you saw it, will you tell me what happened over a cup of tea?
    ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- -------

    My daughter says she wants a milkshake. Do you do it before you deliver or do I have to shake the bottle?
    ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------

    Please send me a form for cheap milk, for I have a baby two months old and did not know about it until a neighbour told me.
    ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------

    Please send me details about cheap milk
    as I am stagnant.
    ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- -------

    Milk is needed for the baby. Father is unable to supply it.
    ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ------

    From now on please leave two pints every other day and one pint on the days in between, except Wednesdays and Saturdays when I don't want any milk.
    ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- -------

    My back door is open. Please put milk in 'fridge, get money out of cup in drawer and leave change on kitchen table in pence, because we want to play bingo tonight.
    ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- -------

    Please leave no milk today. When I say today, I mean tomorrow, for I wrote this note yesterday.
    ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ------

    When you leave the milk please put the
    coal on the boiler, let dog out and put newspaper inside the screen door. P.S.
    Don't leave any milk.
    ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- -----

    No milk. Please do not leave milk at No. 14 either as he is dead until further notice.
     
    #862 Rudolph Hart, Dec 31, 2012
  3. 2 vampires are sitting at home in Transylvania discussing where to go for dinner.

    After a while, they decide on Italian and so nip down to Venice and hide in the shadows of one of the bridges to wait for dinner to be served.

    After a few minutes, a couple come along hand in hand and the 2 vampires jump out of the shadows, sink their fangs into their necks, drink their blood and throw the bodies over the side of the bridge before hiding in the shadows to wait for the main course to arrive.

    Sure enough, after a few minutes, another couple come along arm in arm, the vampires jump out, sink their fangs, drain the blood and throw the bodies over the side of the bridge.

    The first vampire turns to the second and asks whether he wants dessert or just go home for a coffee... The second vampire says that, as they've come a long way, they should have dessert so they both hide in the shadows and wait. Again, another couple come along, the vampires jump out, sink their fangs and drain the blood before throwing the bodies over the side of the bridge.

    By this time it's quite late and the vampires decide to go home for coffee. As they're walking off the bridge, they hear singing and, as there's no-one else about, can't understand where it's coming from so go back up to the bridge to see. There's no-one about, so they go down the other side and still can't see anyone, which really puzzles them especially after looking all over the bridge and the surrounding streets.

    The singing is still going on and, in a last ditch attempt to find out who, the vampires look over the side of the bridge into the canal....

    There, they see a huge crocodile, finishing off the last of the bodies and singing "Drained wops keep falling on my head......"
     
    #863 Dave Owen, Dec 31, 2012
    • Like Like x 1
  4. Employee Review

    Employee Review:

    John Watts,the chief executive of a company,asked his manager to write a detailed employment review describing Ken Stewart,one of his programmers.

    1. Ken Stewart,my assistant programmer,can always be found.

    2. hard at work in his cubicle,Ken works independently,without

    3. wasting company time talking to colleagues,Ken never

    4. thinks twice about assisting fellow employees,and he always

    5. finishes given assignments on time.Often Ken takes extended

    6. measures to complete his work,sometimes skipping coffee

    7. breaks.Ken is an individual who has absolutely no

    8. vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profounded

    9. knowledge in his field.I firmly believe that Ken can be

    10. classed as a high calibre employee,the type which cannot be

    11. dispensed with.Consequently,I duly recommend that Ken be

    12. promoted to executive management,and a proposal will be

    13. executed as soon as possible.

    A memo was sent immediately after the letter.

    John,

    That idiot Ken was reading over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly read only the odd numbered lines above (1,3,5 etc) for my true assessment of him.

    Regards

    Keith.
     
    #864 Rudolph Hart, Dec 31, 2012
    • Like Like x 1
  5. Suggestion to David Cameron to increase his popularity:

    Take your top lip & make it touch your lower lip.

    Now keep them like that - for ever!
     
    #865 Rudolph Hart, Jan 1, 2013
  6. You know you are getting old when you are watching porn & you think, "That bed looks comfy."
     
    #866 Rudolph Hart, Jan 1, 2013
    • Like Like x 1
  7. I had a quiet New Year's Eve. Nothing to drink, TV switched off by 8.00pm, then bed with a long sex session to end the night.


    I fucking hate prison.
     
    #867 El Toro, Jan 1, 2013
  8. Did anyone else hear about Robbie Williams?


    Well apparently, he's fallen out of love with the music industry, and wants to become a Professor of Geometry at Cambridge!


    ...I guess he's loving angles instead.
     
    #868 El Toro, Jan 1, 2013
  9. "Have you ever seen a twenty pound note all crumpled up?" asked the wife.


    "No," I said.


    She gave me a sexy little smile, reached into her cleavage and pulled out a crumpled twenty pound note.


    "Have you ever seen a fifty pound note all crumpled up?" she asked.


    "No," I said.


    She gave me another sexy little smile, reached into her knickers and pulled out a crumpled fifty pound note.


    "Now," she said, "have you ever seen 30,000 pounds all crumpled up?"


    "No," I said, intrigued.


    "Well, go and take a quick look in the garage."
     
    #869 El Toro, Jan 1, 2013
    • Like Like x 2
  10. Funny Message

    Not every flower can say love, but a rose can. Not every plant survives a thirst, but a cactus can. Not every retard can read, but look at you go, little buddy! Today you should take a moment and send an encouraging message to a fucked up friend, just as I have done. I don't care if you lick windows, or fuck farm animals. You hang in there cupcake, because your fucking special to me, and your my friend. Look at you smiling at your phone, you crayon eating motherfucker!
     
    #870 Sinister, Jan 2, 2013
  11. A company has started selling a vibrator that responds to a woman's vocal commands. These include, slower, harder & faster.

    Women say it's not so much what the vibrator does, just the fact that it listens.
     
    #871 Rudolph Hart, Jan 3, 2013
    • Like Like x 1
  12. there 's a switch that reverses the orders given...it must be left on at all times, switch it off and the vib is useless! :biggrin:
     
    #872 kope999R, Jan 3, 2013
  13. Went to the weirdest 'Sainsbury's Local' today.


    It was 72 miles from my fucking house.
     
    #873 El Toro, Jan 3, 2013
  14. Weirdo :p
     
    #874 Char, Jan 3, 2013
  15. I'm good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet, I don't know Y.
     
    #875 Chris, Jan 3, 2013
    • Like Like x 1
  16. There are a couple of things that confuse me...

    Why do they sterilize needles before lethal injection?

    Should you have to pay a midget under the table?
     
    #876 Sinister, Jan 3, 2013
  17. Two old ladies were talking at bingo.

    One asked, "Did you come on the bus?"

    The other replied, "Yes, but I made it look like an asthma attack."
     
    #877 Rudolph Hart, Jan 3, 2013
    • Like Like x 1
  18. Getting old brings the benefit that my secrets are safe with my friends.

    They can't remember them either.
     
    #878 Rudolph Hart, Jan 3, 2013
  19. 2 old men were sitting at a local coffee shop having a deep conversation & bragging about their wives...

    The 1st one says: I love my wife, she is the best thing that ever happened to me, we never argued, always walked down the street hand in hand...we loved each other tremendously!

    The 2nd one says: You are lucky...mines still alive!
     
    #879 Sinister, Jan 3, 2013
  20. A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders
    a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all over the place, eating
    everything behind the bar. Then the monkey jumps on to the pool table and
    swallows the cue ball.

    The bartender screams at the guy, "Your monkey
    just ate the cue ball off my pool table -- whole!"

    "Sorry," replied the
    guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for
    everything."

    The man finishes his drink, pays and leaves.

    Two
    weeks later, he's in the bar with his pet monkey, again. He orders a drink, and
    the monkey starts running around the bar. The monkey finds a maraschino cherry
    on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his arse, pulls it out and eats
    it.

    The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?"
    he asks.

    "Yeah," replies the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but
    ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures stuff first.
     
    #880 eyore, Jan 3, 2013
    • Like Like x 1
(You must log in or sign up to post here.)
Page 44 of 470
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
Do Not Sell My Personal Information