This year I’m going to try doing “Dry January” and see if I can manage a whole month without foreplay
I asked my wife to give me some oral relief yesterday. "Do you want me to suck you off?" she asked. "No," I replied, "I want you to shut the fuck up!"
As my wife and I were leaving for a night out, the babysitter told us to take as long as we like. That was five years ago... I hope she's enjoying being a parent!
Did you know that in America, you can drive for 4 hours and still be in the same part of the country... However in the UK, if you drive for 2 hours, the local accent will have changed twice and bread rolls will have a new name!
Q. What do you call a man with a number plate on his head? A. Reg. Q. What does his brother call him? A. R Reg.
I saw Kurt Cobain’s wife fishing down by the river.. “Courtney Love?” I said “Not yet", she replied. "but it’s still early.."
John hoisted his beer and said: "Here's to spending the rest of my life, between the legs of my wife!" That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night." She said, "What was your toast?" John said: "Here's to spending the rest of my life, sitting in church beside my wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed John!" Mary said. The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you Mary." She said, "He told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come!"
Did my first nude painting this morning… The neighbours weren't happy but the front door looks great!
I was out with my friends last night and they told me that as soon as the weather turns nice, they're going camping and asked if I'd like to join them. So I've started to make a list of the things I need: 1) New friends.
A boy turned up at school with his pet cat peeping out his bag. His teacher was very puzzled, so she asked him, "Tommy, what is your cat doing at school today?" Tommy replied, "I heard the postman telling my mum, 'when your kids have gone to school I'm going to eat your pussy'. I wasn't taking any chances Miss..!!"
My New Years Resolution is to have a lot more sex… Haven't told the missus though. Don't want her spoiling it!
My brother Raymond got a job at a Disney Store, selling Aladdin toys. He wasn't sure which hours he'd be working, so I called them up... I said, "Will our Ray be in nights, or will our Ray be in days?"
Last night I went to see a Polish Pink Floyd tribute band. Not only were they cheaper, but they played The Wall in half the time.
When the circus was in town it held a competition to find the best contortionist. So I entered myself and won.
One of my New Year resolutions is for me is to stop procrastinating, but I'm not going to start that one until next year.
I am selling my snooker table and accessories. I will put the table, cue, chalk & balls on e-Bay. The rest will go to charity.
