“Boss, I've got a probl-" "There are no such things as problems, only opportunities" "Oh, ok. I've got a serious drinking opportunity"
If you missed the World Hairdressing Championships on TV last night.... The highlights might be on later.
My mate Dave has a new girlfriend who works as a bin lady… The trouble is he can never remember if he's taking her out on a Wednesday or a Thursday!
I got Cluedo Swingers Edition given to me for a Christmas present… Turns out they all did it, in every room!
I saw man with one arm and said where you off to? He replied im going to change a lightbulb. I said wont that be difficult? He said NO.. i have the receipt
The weather is rubbish here. It has been raining longer than Prince Charles' mother, and the temperature has been in the fifteens nearly as much as his brother..
Just seen a tweet from a United fan saying Ronaldo has tested positive of being the greatest player in the world. A scouser replied 'thank god he's not showing any symptoms!
My mate has named his new dog 'Ten Miles'. Now he can tell people he's walking Ten Miles 3 times a day.
I’ve just seen on the BBC news that an Olympic Frisbee player died this week after catching something that was going around....
I’ve just used the Womble pepper grinder I got for Christmas and it’s rubbish. Everything is either underground or overground.
My mate has achieved 50% of his life goals: He always wanted to marry a filthy rich woman. He's married to a filthy woman..
What has a priest and a pint of Guinness got in common? A black coat, white collar, and you've got to watch your arse if you get a dodgy one!
I was in the pub with my mates & these four big bastards started getting aggressive and having a go. My mate Dave said, just pretend we’re police & they’ll leave us alone. I barely got half way through Roxanne before I felt the first punch.
I was born male, and I identify as male. But according to Tesco's Finest Sticky Toffee Pudding, I'm a family of four...
