Feeling horny, I phoned the wife for some hot phone sex. "Tell me if you're wearing any knickers," I said. "Actually, I'm not." she replied. "Ooh you mucky little minx. What are you doing?" I asked provocatively. "Having a shit," wasn't really the answer I was looking for!
A bride on her wedding night says to her husband, "I must confess darling, I used to be a hooker." He says, "That's a bit of a shock dear, but I must admit, I find it quite erotic. Tell me about it." She replies, "Well, my name was Nigel, and I played for Wigan!"
I went to the doctors & found out that my new doctor is young, female & drop dead gorgeous. I was embarrassed but she said, "Don't worry I'm a professional I've seen it all before. Just tell me what's wrong & I'll check it. I said, "My wife thinks that my dick tastes funny!"
Heard my neighbours shagging for what seemed like ages last night. Moaning, groaning and banging the headboard off the wall. Turns out her elderly mother had fallen and broken her hip and was banging on the wall with her stick for help... Feel a bit guilty about that wank now!
Q. What's the difference between Prince Andrew's car & his girlfriend? A. He doesn't mind the police knowing his car's 14 years old.
The worst thing about living next door to MC Hammer is the constant noise from him doing DIY. I just shouted, "Stop!" but if anything that’s made things worse!
Michael Gove missed a BBC Radio 4 interview after being stuck for 30 minutes in an elevator. He should have taken steps to avoid that...
Many years ago during my married days, I accidentally overturned my golf cart. Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out: "Are you okay? What's your name?" "It's John, and I'm okay, thanks," I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted cart. "John," she said, "forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while and I'll help you get the cart up later." "That's mighty nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife would like it." "Oh, come on now," Elizabeth insisted. She was so very pretty, very very sexy and very persuasive ... I was weak. "Well okay," I finally agreed but thought to myself, "my wife won't like it." After a couple of restorative Scottish and waters, I thanked Elizabeth. "I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset. So I'd best go now." "Don't be silly!" Elizabeth said with a smile, letting her robe fall open slightly. "She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?" "Still under the cart, I guess."
Apparently, if you have a breakdown in an electric car you can still use the AA. However, if it's a small electric car you have to use the AAA...
I went to the cinema last night. A man sat near me had his dog, and the dog seemed really engrossed in the film. When the film ended I said to the owner, "This might sound weird, but your dog seemed to really enjoy that". “Yes” he replied, “I was surprised too. He hated the book!"
In our house, we always fight over the right way round to hang the toilet paper, so my therapist suggested we try the other person's way for a week… You know, roll reversal!
BREAKING: Paul Gascoigne has arrived at Downing Street with a fishing rod, some chicken, and four cans of lager, claiming to be a friend of Boris Johnson!
For the 10th year in a row, my co-workers have voted me 'The most secretive guy' in the office… I can't tell you how much this award means to me!
Just when you think the lies told by government ministers can't get any more far fetched.... A man stands up in Parliament and claims to be upset that his mother in law has died.
I keep receiving emails about some American guy receiving the heart of a pig in a transplant. They're going straight into my spam folder...
Which inadvertently reminded me of...... "Eric, what would you and Ernie have been if you hadn't been funny?" "Mike and Bernie Winters."
