Three men have been shot with a Starting Pistol. A police spokesperson stated they believed it to be Race related.
Tried putting a lighter to one of my farts the other day to see what effect it would have... It made no difference to the flame but everybody else in the lift went fecking mad..
The batteries ran out in my clock, so I went to the shop and said, "I cant tell the time, I need some batteries please." The shop keeper said, "Is it for a clock?" I said," I dunno I can't tell. That's why I need the batteries!"
I'm in trouble with the wife again. I bought her some lorry oil for her birthday. Apparently, what she actually asked for was L’Oreal...
I’ve just seen on the BBC website that Meatloaf has just married to an accountant. She'll do anything for love but she won't do VAT...
My mate was at marriage guidance counselling with his wife the other day when the counsellor said, "Apparently, you never buy her flowers." My mate replied, "I didn't even know she sold flowers."
The American who received a pig's heart was known for being funny and charismatic. Now he's a bit of a boar.
Operator: "999 what's your emergency?" Me: "I’ve just seen an old man get knocked down by a car. He needs an ambulance, urgently" Operator: "What's your location?" Me: "I'm on Eucalyptus Street." Operator: "Can you spell that for me please?" Me: "Hang on. I'll drag him to Elm Street and I'll call you back!"
Just seen the headline: 'Another blow for Prince Andrew'. You'd think he'd give it a rest for a while under the circumstances....
Dad: "Hey son, what has 4 legs and doesn't breathe?" Son: "Haha you can't fool me again, a chair!" Dad: "Not this time. The dog’s dead!"
Q. What's the difference between Boris Johnson and Fred West? A. Nobody in Fred West's garden grassed on him..
I had a wardrobe delivered from IKEA yesterday. There wasn’t a single bracket, hinge, screw or dowel in the packaging. Seriously, you couldn't make it up.
My mother in law and I were chatting last night and I said "When you die, if you were to be reincarnated, what would you like to come back as?" She said, "I'd like to come back as a cow." I said, "You’re obviously not listening........."
Have you noticed how Taylor Swift has 500 songs about guys leaving her and 0 songs about blow jobs? Do you see where I’m going with this?
In a restaurant last night with the wife, I said to the waitress, "Oh my, aren't you pretty!" The waitress said, "Thank you sir." My wife said, "Tell her about your erectile dysfunction." I said to the waitress, "Allow me to introduce my erectile dysfunction. Her name is Mavis!"
Anyone know if it's possible to take a graft from a buttock & attach it to someone who is an acquaintance? Arse skin for a friend...
"Dad, can I have some money?" asked my 13-year-old son today as he headed for the door. I said, "It depends, where are you going?" "To see a girl." he replied, "Oh yeah," I winked, handing him a tenner, "And who exactly is this girl?" "She's the cashier in the shop where I buy my lager." he replied.
