I was stopped by one of those survey people in town earlier today. They asked me what I knew about Dwarfs. "Very little” I replied
Two Italian men got on a bus in Britain. They sat down and engaged in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignored them at first, but her attention was galvanised when she heard one of the men say the following: "Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time." "You foul-mouthed swine." Retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!" "Hey! Coola down lady." Said the man. "Who talkin' abouta da sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."
As the doctor went through my notes, he said, "The surgery has risks. You will almost certainly regain the sight in your eyes but there is a chance it will affect your ability to maintain an erection." I said, "How come?" He said, "Well, your wife is very ugly!"
We were sitting in an empty train carriage late at night when I said to my wife, "Come on love, get them out." She took her top off and slowly eased her tits out of her bra. "The tickets," I said. "The inspector's standing behind you!"
I received a brown envelope through the door this morning that said 'Do not bend!' I thought, "How am I going to pick that up then?"
My mate said the doctor told his girlfriend to go easy on the oral sex for a while. She's taking it on the chin...
I’ve been trying to learn how to play the new official Rick Astley boardgame. But the instructions just say ‘You know the rules, and so do I”
Q. What do Prince Andrew and Manchester United have in common? A. It went badly wrong for both of them when Fergie left.
I’ve just paid £20 for a 3 mile taxi ride to the launderette……..I feel like I've been taken to the cleaners!
I'll never join one of those online dating services. I prefer to meet someone the old fashioned way... Through alcohol and poor judgement!
A woman with 3 vaginas went to the doctor about her embarrassing problem. The doctor sewed up 2 of the holes, leaving just the middle one open. "Am I cured?" she asked. "Not as such, he replied. "But it will stop you getting fucked, left, right and centre!"
Just pulled back my curtains and thought I saw David Jason lying on my lawn… After a close inspection it was a touch of frost!
The wife was parading around in her tight new leggings before going to her keep fit class. "Try to say something positive." She said. I replied, "Well, it won't matter if you lie on your front or on your back. I'll have somewhere to park my bike either way." It's a nice day for a trip to A & E...
My mate Dave bought his wife, Julie, a fur coat made out of 5000 hamster skins. Last week they went to Blackpool for a “mini break”. He couldn't get her off the big wheel for two days!
