Now that food has replaced sex in my life.. I've discovered an unfortunate side effect .. I can't even get into my own f*cking pants ♀️
Sex has gone downhill with the wife, so I bought her a dildo. "It looks like a carrot!" she said. Which is ironic, as her fanny looks like a donkey yawning!
My wife kicked me out of the house for measuring my penis... For the record, it reaches the back of her sister's throat!
Lionel Messi goes up to a girl in a club and says, "Get your coat, you've pulled." She replies, "Wow, you're a little forward!"
Thinking of buying a Bee Hive, four Hens and a Cockerel and putting them in the back garden. That way I'll get my Honey for nothing and my chicks for free.
I bumped into a bloke last night who said he used to be in a band called The Hinges. I'd never heard of them but apparently they used to support The Doors .
A farmer named Paddy had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company. In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Paddy. 'Didn't you say to the police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?'asked the solicitor. Paddy responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I'd just loaded my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da... ' 'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?' Paddy said, 'Well, I'd just got Bessie into da trailer and I was drivin' down da road...... ' The solicitor interrupted again and said,'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question. ' By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Paddy's answer and said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'. Paddy thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my fav'rit cow, into de trailer and was drivin' her down de road when this huge Eversweet truck and trailer came tundering tru a stop sign and hit me trailer right in da side. I was trown into one ditch and Bessie was trown into da udder. By Jaysus I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moanin' and groanin'. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans. Shortly after da accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moanin' and groanin' too, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Den da policeman came across de road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feelin'?' 'Now wot da fock would you say?'
Police in Bradford pull over a local resident and were amazed to find the car taxed M.O.T tested and insured. It wasn’t stolen and there wasn’t any stolen goods or drugs found. The driver passed the drug wipe and to their surprise he blew no alcohol in his system A police spokesman said “we had no option but to issue him a £80 fine for wasting police time”
My mate says he's had oral sex with women from France, Germany, Italy & Spain. He reckons he's multi-cunnilingual..
I really need to get a pube trimmer… When I get a hard on, it looks like Pinocchio has joined the fucking Taliban!
My mate Dave went out with his metal detector this morning, and ended up digging a hole 23 feet deep before realising he was wearing steel toe-cap boots!
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday. "Some chocolate and a nice surprise would be lovely," she replied... Kinder Egg it is then!
My wife said to me last night "Shall we go bowling or stay at home?" I replied, "I am sick of putting my fingers in holes that everyone has touched with their sweaty hands. Let's go bowling!"
I’m having some floor covering fitted in an hour.....59 minutes.....58 minutes.....57 minutes...... Its the vinyl countdown.....
My mate Dave went to the doctors and told him he was suffering from constant premature ejaculation. The doctor said, "I’m sorry to hear that Dave. It must be very stressful for your wife". Dave said "To be perfectly honest, it's getting on her tits".
Metropolitan Police Chief Cressida Dick is investigating Boris Johnson. Dick investigates Cunt. Some jokes write themselves.
My girlfriend said, "Is it just me, or is the cat getting fat?" Apparently, "It's just you." is the wrong answer
