My mate Dave had been trying to get an appointment to see his doctor for ages. He finally saw him yesterday and showed him the rash on his bollocks… But the doctor just ignored him and kept pushing his trolley around Tesco!
Looking forward to the publication of the government’s ”Levelling Up” strategy later. I am sick and tired of being 5’6”
I entered my sons room and said, "Remember boy, masturbating can make you go blind." "I'm over here dad," he replied.
The little girl next door was digging a hole in her back garden when I asked what she was doing. "I'm burying my pet budgie," she said. I asked, "Isn't that a rather big hole, for such a little bird?" She replied, "Yeah, except he's inside your fucking cat!"
Doctor: "Relax David. It's just a small surgery. Don't panic." Me: "But my name isn't David?" Doctor: "I know. I'm David!"
My wife kicked me out of the house for measuring my penis... For the record, it reaches the back of her sister's throat!
I did my first nude painting this morning… The neighbours weren't happy but the front door looks great!
Yesterday my mate Dave's wife, Julie told me I often make people feel uncomfortable by violating their personal space… I thought it was an incredibly hurtful thing to say and it completely ruined our bath!
Just heard the old woman next door tried to commit suicide by putting her head in the gas oven. I never realised she was so wealthy.
The Irish Bobsleigh team at the Winter Olympics are refusing to race until the course has been gritted!
Sick and tired of hearing these Olympic athletes say how much work they've put in and the sacrifices they've made... What do they want? A fucking medal?
My boss said he finds it highly suspicious that I'm only sick on weekdays.... I said it must be my weekend immune system!
I said to the wife this evening, "Put your coat on, love." She replied, "Ooh, are you taking me somewhere nice?" I said, "No, I'm turning the heating off because of the fecking price of gas."
A woman was in court for shoplifting. The judge said, "What did you take?" She replied, "A tin of pears." "How many pears in the tin?" "6." "Ok, I'm giving you 6 weeks in prison to teach you a lesson." Her husband stood up & said, "Excuse me, she also took a large tin of peas!"
I was talking to a Man Utd fan earlier about holidays in the UK and he asked if I could recommend anywhere in the North East… I told him you can't beat Middlesbrough at this time of year!
There are some horrible people out there. I heard a cat crying outside tonight, and when I opened the front door I saw four Man Utd fans were playing football with it. I was just about to phone the RSPCA when the cat went 1-0 up!
My new sexy neighbour just sneezed, so by instinct and good manners I said bless you... She said thanks, but looked a little confused that her wardrobe was talking to her!
Whilst the missus was out tonight I started watching the Man Utd match. Then she suddenly turned up out of the blue... I quickly put some porn on the TV and pulled my trousers down to avoid any embarrassment!
